Mary,

My partner and I have been together for 2 years. We’re ready to tie the knot but the problem is, as I’m sure you’re aware, we cannot legally get married in Georgia. We’re thankful for the progress that’s been made in other states but we grew up here, we met here and we live here. We don’t want to marry in another state and then come back and it not mean anything.

I know it won’t be instantaneous, but what can we do here in Georgia to help get gay marriage rights so that we can get married in the state we love?

Signed,

Passionate for the Peach State

Dear Peachy Keen,

I’m all for chasing your bliss, and I know for a fact that if my gay best friend got married in Atlanta, it would be the most exquisite wedding you’ve ever seen…and I want to see it.

I propose a major letter-writing campaign to the state government. But don’t focus on human rights and equality for all. Don’t worry about convincing anyone of the fact that your relationship is valid and deserves to be recognized and afforded the same rights as any committed, loving, straight relationship. Don’t waste time mentioning the delineations between church and state or pointing out that the straight divorce rate is probably far more damaging to the sanctity of marriage than allowing two grown men to enter into a contract that allows them hospital visitation rights, insurance benefits and tax benefits. Focus on what lawmakers understand and what drives them: gay marriage will make money.

Do you know how much gift-giving is involved with weddings these days? I forked out close to a grand in the last few months because a girl I knew in middle school invited me to her wedding, and I don’t even like her. Extrapolate that to involve the entire gay population of Georgia getting married (or a portion of it, anyhow), not to mention people coming in from other states to celebrate their union in the lovely south, and you’ve got yourself a mint. Then, of course, comes the potential divorces. Another cash cow, lining the pockets of lawyers for years to come. Bam! State budget filled to bursting. Everyone’s happy.

Love,

Mary Makers-McMark
PhD Gay Male/Straight Female Relationships and HBIC

P.S. If anyone, particularly a woman, starts quoting bible verses at you on this topic, encourage her to read Deuteronomy 22:13, where it states that if a woman is discovered not to be a virgin on her wedding night, her new husband should have her stoned to death. It might give her a new perspective.

Got a problem for Mary? E-mail her at mary@fenuxe.com. Mary is in no way qualified to give advice to others, and that is why we love her.