Dear Mary,

I recently purchased my first home. It’s your standard loft in desperate need of a makeover so I want to redecorate to make it more modern and sophisticated. I don’t have the stereotypical eye for interior decorating like many gay guys. Can you lend your straight eye to this queer guy?

Signed,

Lofty Near Little Five

Dear Lofty,

Boy, do I feel your pain. Southern women, to a slightly lesser degree, are also expected to know how to beautify their surroundings. Personally, I feel my flawless physical appearance is enough, so I’ve never wasted much time with my nose stuck in a decorating book. I describe my home décor as tween girl meets alcoholic meets delusional Francophile—Twilight posters, empty liquor bottles displayed on shelves and posters of the Eiffel Tower cover most surfaces. Clearly, you’ve come to the right person for advice.

If this doesn’t appeal to you (and I have no idea why it wouldn’t), may I suggest you survey your three best gay friends? I hate to further stereotypes, I really do, but odds are, one of them will know how to decorate. You can’t throw a rock in a gay bar without hitting an interior design major, and given the current economy, he’s probably an unemployed interior design major with unrequited creative energy oozing from his pores. Lure him to your loft with phrases like “practically a blank canvas,” “open to all your creative suggestions,” and “budget isn’t an issue.”

Love,

Mary Makers-McMark