Dear Mary,

I have a friend who’s not always participating in proper etiquette for a gay bar (if there really is such a thing). He always tips based on the price of the drink, i.e. if a drink costs $4.75, he only tips 25 cents. He rounds up to the nearest dollar, unless the change is over 50 cents. I always just assumed you should tip at least $1.00 on any drink even if it’s just soda. Are all queens that cheap, or am I over-tipping? Could you give a lesson in gay bar tip etiquette?

Signed,

Liquored UP in the ATL

Dear Licker,

Miss Manners and I hang out a lot. I’ve been to the bar with her countless times and I cannot begin to tell you how much that woman can drink – but even when she’s eight shots of Jaeger into the evening, she tips a dollar a drink. She also sends thank you notes to all the guys she goes home with, no more than six weeks after the night. She’s classy like that.

Personally, I think of this as a sliding scale thing. I’m a straight woman who almost exclusively goes to gay bars so if there just happens to be a bartender who will actually give me the time of day over the 300 men waving money at him, well, that man deserves a big tip. If it’s your run-of-the-mill, had-to-shout-him-down-and-then-he-got-my-drink-wrong scenario, I’ll tip 20%, even if that is only a quarter. To be fair, though, if I only tip a quarter, I can buy more drinks and then I’m far more likely to do something like tell him he’s so fantastic he deserves my watch or phone or car as a special tip.

I think the most important thing to do is give your friend a really judgmental side-eye every time they leave a shitty tip. That way, the bartender will know you don’t approve and will be more likely to pay attention to you, and it’s a passive aggressive way to comment on your friend’s behavior, which is the only kind of aggression I’m comfortable with.

Cheers, ya’ll!

Love,

Mary Makers-McMark

Dear Mary,

Looking back on 2010, it wasn’t all I thought it would be. My friends and family are happy and healthy so I can be thankful for that. But I went through a failed relationship. Also a promotion I was hoping for went to someone else. I’m trying to stay optimistic about 2011 but it’s hard keeping my head up sometimes. How have you stayed positive through tough times in the past?

Signed,

Looking Towards 2011

Dear LT,

In thinking about this question, I convinced myself there was a lyric in Auld Lang Syne about our debtors forgiving us our debts and I thought I could maybe use this with my credit card company; turns out that’s actually in a prayer or something.

So maybe you didn’t have the best year ever – so what? You get to start the clock over and try it again next year. Don’t beat yourself up, because we all deserve a break – even mimes. There will be more relationships and more promotion opportunities and maybe they’ll come this year, or maybe not. The important thing is you can look forward to them right now. Sometimes the “before” is the best part. You can imagine now what the promotion will be like, or you can pretend the relationship won’t need work to be perfect. Like my relationship with my milkman.

I think I’m very guilty of looking at everything in life as something to be achieved, something to be finished, and I can’t be satisfied with myself until every little piece of my life is exactly where I think it should be—but that’s so self defeating, because it never will be. So I waste time thinking of all the ways I’m lacking instead of appreciating where I am, right at this moment, in this exact minute that I can never come back to again. Say it with me, friends: I have a choice in this moment to be happy or to be sad and critical, and I am going to be as happy as a twink at a chest-shaving competition.

Happy New Year!

Love,

Mary Makers-McMark

P.S.

It’s 20-freaking-11, where is my robot maid?

Dear Mary,

I’m a bartender at a popular local bar. I like my work and the money is great! The problem is that guys I’m interested in occasionally run for the hills when I tell them what I do. They think that I can’t possibly be monogamous being surrounded by tons of “hot” guys in that environment. But, I’m just not that type of guy and I’ve never cheated on anyone. How can I get a guy to not be so jealous?

Signed,

Faithfully Fed Up

Dear F’d Up,

You’ve never cheated? You think you’re fooling people with this act? I’ve been to a million gay bars and have wished a million times that I was a gay man so that the gorgeous men there would pay attention to me for three seconds. Every one of those beautiful guys is always clamoring over the bartender. You guys are like catnip to barflies. Sexy, gin-slinging catnip. So, come on. You can tell me. Never? Never at all?! If it were me I’d hit that harder than I hit the Grey Goose come mid-morning.

But…if you’re telling the truth, kudos to you. The unfortunate thing about trust is it takes so damn long to establish. Maybe if you were friends with a boyfriend prospect for a while first, and he saw how you operate and that you don’t bring randoms home from the bar, he’d be able to wrap his head around the concept. It might sound a little weird, but you may want to have your friends back you up, too. I know calling in character witnesses before a first date might be awkward and a lot of effort, but it might be the best way to handle the situation. Maybe the first time you go out with a new guy could be in a group kind of setting and maybe one of your friends just happens to mention how crazy he thinks you are for working with all these hot guys and never taking advantage of your position.

Or, you could do what I would do…and start taking advantage of your position.

Love,

Mary Makers-McMark

Dear Mary,

I think I’ve outgrown my circle of friends.  Don’t get me wrong, I love hitting up a bar or a club every once in awhile, but my friends look at me funny if I don’t want to go out four or five times a week.  They keep complaining I’m getting old.  It’s not that at all.  I’m jealous of the people who go to a play or even a movie every once in awhile.  How do I expand my horizons without alienating my friends?

Signed,

Motivated for More

Dear Motivated,

I understand where you’re coming from.  Gone are the days when I can jump out of bed after three hours of sleep, shake off my residual bar buzz/hangover and be a productive human being all while planning what kind of alcohol-fueled mischief I will get into later that evening.

But guess what?  I do it anyway.  I’m no quitter.  If you pass up one night at the bar, you might miss something.  What something?  I have no idea, but if you aren’t there, you’ll miss it, and you’ll be sorry.

Tip you say?  If all the late nights are taking a toll on your appearance, try this top beauty trick: keep two spoons in the freezer.  If you wake up one morning and find your eyes are puffy and dull, grab those two spoons and just shove them right up your ass.  I can assure you, two frozen spoons in the keester will open your eyes in a hurry, giving you a youthful, slightly psychotic look.

But never let someone calling you old stop you from doing something you want to do.  There is so much wonderful culture in Atlanta and if your friends can’t appreciate that, it is certainly time to branch out.  Don’t burn your bridges with your club-going pals, though; like you said, going out to the club occasionally is fun.  Also, one day, all but the most dedicated of them will realize they want something a little more substantial out of life than a series of one-night stands and hungover mornings, and when they do, you can welcome them with open arms into the world of grown ups.

Love,

Mary Makers-McMark

Dear Mary,

I don’t typically hook up, it’s just not my thing because I get too emotionally attached. But there was this one time a couple of years ago while I was out with friends, I met this guy and things just happened (I’ll spare you the details) and we never spoke again. My problem? I was out getting my mail the other day at my condo’s mailbox and there he was. Getting his mail. My new neighbor was my random hookup. I feel awkward around him because I’m just not that type of person. How do I get around the weirdness?

Signed,

Uncomfortable in Castleberry Hill

Dear Uncomfy,

Well, there are several ways you could go here. You could be a grown up, own the weirdness, have that conversation and move on, but that’s just so damn boring. Besides, it might lead to some kind of healthy friendship. Clearly, this is all wrong.

My suggestion: fake mustaches, and lots of them. You may want to study up on accents, too. And hats. So what you do is, keep a mustache in your pocket and a hat in your mailbox. If you see him coming down to check his mail, you put the hat on and slap on the mustache and then start the accent rolling. With a disguise like that, who would recognize you? It’s bulletproof! Even if he does recognize you, he will wonder why the hell you are acting so weird and be a little embarrassed that he ever slept with you and totally avoid you.

Or you could pretend you’ve been stalking him and you moved in that apartment because you heard he did and ask him for a lock of his hair at the mailbox one day. That’d probably just get him to move and then the problem would be solved.

OH, oh, or you could pretend to be your own twin. If he comes up to you at the mailbox and mentions your passionate night together, you can chuckle and say “oh man, not this again—you’re talking about my gay twin brother. My name’s actually Tad and I’m straight, but somehow I seem to run into his old one night stands all the time. He sure does get around.” Of course, then you have to spend the rest of your time in that apartment pretending to be straight, but no matter what, the entire solution to this problem hinges on staging, falseness and lies, and maybe—just maybe—fake mustaches.

Love,

Mary Makers-McMark

Dear Mary,

Halloween is always a huge event so I’m looking for costume ideas. I’ll be going to a party and then maybe hitting the bars. I need something that’s versatile (heh…), unique, and memorable. Should I just wear an open button-down, put glitter on my chest and call myself a character from Twilight?

Sincerely,

Stumped on Spring Street

Dear Stumped,

As someone who has actually read Twilight, let me just put this out there: you’re making some big assumptions if you go that route. Do you have any idea how many times Steph Myers describes Edward as being “carved from stone?” Like, a million. So the question, of course, is do you look like you were carved from alabaster stone when you take your shirt off? If you have even a moment’s hesitation in your response, the answer is no, and you need to go a less demanding route.

Which obviously brings me to Santa Claus. Come on, it’s perfect! All night long, strangers will sit on your lap and tell you they’ve been naughty. I learned this trick as I was sitting on some guy’s lap at a Halloween party telling him I’d been naughty before realizing I’d very neatly fallen into his trap—I then watched 50 other girls do the same damn thing.

Yes, it’s brilliant. You’re welcome.

Love,

Mary Makers-McMark

Dear Mary,

I recently moved to Atlanta from a small Southern city. Pride is coming up and I’ve never experienced anything like this. I’ve never been involved in the community because we didn’t have a gay community where I was from. It seems intimidating and I feel like I’m not going to fit in. Help?

Signed,

Terribly Timid

Dear Timid,

Oh, Pride. Just thinking about it makes me giddy and slightly nauseated. As a normal, full-blooded straight southern woman, I look forward to few things as much as Pride weekend. Well, maybe I should clarify that I enjoy surrounding myself with gorgeous gay men as I am actually a gay man trapped in a full-blooded straight southern woman’s body—but I digress.

My first trip to Pride occured when I was 17 years old. I skipped school (Catholic school, mind you) to drive to New Orleans with my boyfriend, having no idea it was the start of Decadence. He got arrested. It was really a magical trip. Never had I seen such things. But it absolutely can be overwhelming for a first timer, so I’ve made up a little list of tips:

1. Prepare. 250 pounds of six foot tall man in a sequined mini dress and false eyelashes can be intimidating the first time you see it in the full sunlight of an October Atlanta afternoon; spend some quality time at some fabulous drag shows in advance of your first Pride.

2. Hydrate. With booze. Some call this lubricating, but that’s another step entirely.

3. Document. Bring a camera. Invariably, something outrageous is going to happen as soon as everyone you know is taking a Portalet break…and they will never believe you when you tell them about it.

4. Look fabulous. You never know who you’ll see at Pride…

Pride is fun and silly and big, but don’t forget what the weekend is really all about: your right to love whoever you want without hiding it. Pride is the opposite of shame, so go out, have fun, and be Proud!

Love,

Mary Makers-McMark

Dear Mary,

I’ve started dating this guy who’s very religious and I’m not. He wants me to go to his church and I’m tired of making excuses about not going—for me, Sundays are for brunch. How can I make this work?

Signed,

Aggravated Agnostic

Dear Aggravated,

I, too, worship at the Holy Trinity of Mimosas, Melon Balls, and Quiche Lorraine, and I understand where you’re coming from. People frequently tread on my beliefs, attempting to interrupt my reverent adherence to this important ritual and trying to drag me to their church, saying things like “the music is so beautiful” and “you’re his godmother, I think you have to come to the baptism.” Their disrespect for my beliefs is shocking.

Brunch is more interesting than church in most cases. You can use this in your favor. Offer to drive him to church but then end up at Einstein’s. If he fights it, wave a Bloody Mary under his nose.

But if you absolutely must, compromise. It’s not a solution I’m usually in favor of—when we compromise, everyone loses—but if his hotness is such that you can’t afford to lose him no matter the cost, make the concession. You can go to brunch after church.

I feel like you’re getting the raw end of this deal, but hey, as long as it’s reasonable, and not one of those churches with lots of standing, kneeling, sitting, kneeling, standing, sitting (I was raised in one of those), you should be able to doze lightly right through the service…unless it’s the kind where people yell stuff or the kind with snake handling…are you sure he’s worth all that?

Love,

Mary Makers-McMark

Dear Mary,

I read your column every issue and I love the spot-on advice you give to your readers. I’m in the market for a new vehicle. I’ve always purchased my vehicles based on price and fuel efficiency but I’m breaking out of the mold and wanting some fun. What car would you recommend for me? What car does Mary drive?

Signed,

Purchaser in Poncey-Highland

Dear Purchaser,

A car? Me? I have a team of muscle men who carry me around on a throne, of course. It’s not as great as it sounds; they’re dumb as rocks. Occasionally they toss me on Peachtree Street when one gets distracted by something shiny. That said, I think you should go in a slightly more reasonable direction.

Of course you want something with personality, something that will help you make an impression. You want something that says “I’m a naughty party boy,” but only on Saturday nights. On Monday morning, it should project “I deserve that raise!” as you park next to your boss (although “I’m a naughty party boy” might get you a raise, depending on your boss). So which way should you go? Import, domestic, SUV, crossover, sports car, or one of those new weird cubish things?

Hm? Oh you thought I was going to answer the question? Hell no, I don’t know squat about cars, I’ve got men carrying me around the city for Liza’s sakes.

Love,

Mary Makers-McMark

Dear Mary,

I recently purchased my first home. It’s your standard loft in desperate need of a makeover so I want to redecorate to make it more modern and sophisticated. I don’t have the stereotypical eye for interior decorating like many gay guys. Can you lend your straight eye to this queer guy?

Signed,

Lofty Near Little Five

Dear Lofty,

Boy, do I feel your pain. Southern women, to a slightly lesser degree, are also expected to know how to beautify their surroundings. Personally, I feel my flawless physical appearance is enough, so I’ve never wasted much time with my nose stuck in a decorating book. I describe my home décor as tween girl meets alcoholic meets delusional Francophile—Twilight posters, empty liquor bottles displayed on shelves and posters of the Eiffel Tower cover most surfaces. Clearly, you’ve come to the right person for advice.

If this doesn’t appeal to you (and I have no idea why it wouldn’t), may I suggest you survey your three best gay friends? I hate to further stereotypes, I really do, but odds are, one of them will know how to decorate. You can’t throw a rock in a gay bar without hitting an interior design major, and given the current economy, he’s probably an unemployed interior design major with unrequited creative energy oozing from his pores. Lure him to your loft with phrases like “practically a blank canvas,” “open to all your creative suggestions,” and “budget isn’t an issue.”

Love,

Mary Makers-McMark