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Holler Poodles,

While my job as a triple “ZZZ” list drag queen celebrity may sound all glitzy and glamourous to some, it also requires hard work. I’ve just returned from Fashion week and an experience I’ll never forget.  While I was under the impression I was headed to Atlanta Hartsfield LaToya Jackson International Space Port for a flight to the Mercedes Benz fashion show in NYC, I was disappointed to find I was headed to the exotic city of Jonesboro for their fashion “minute.”

With Real Housewives of Atlanta Celebrity Look-A-Likes judging, the fashion show had its moments but was definitely not up to my international standards.  NeNe Leakes-A-Lot was serving attitude, Porsche looked like a Pinto and Kenya-No-Moore was Breaking-Wind Fabulous although she did fill the room with a certain air.  Kandi was humming along the whole time–it was only later I was informed she wasn’t singing. Maybe she was filled with the spirit something. Hmmmm.  

Fashions from wannabe fashion star Bob Tackie were less than impressive.  Duct tape and hot glue were prominently featured throughout while still leaving the viewer wanting more.  Speaking of more, I wasn’t sure but I think I saw some balls under that duct tape.  Work it giirls!! And color is the trend for summer!  Golden Rod, Mustard, Yellow, Chartreuse, Rust and Burnt Umber are your featured color story.  As I think about it, those colors are featured in my panties.  What a coincidence!

Norcostco Atlanta Costume Tip of the Week:  Cutie Pie Clint says “We have a new line of lashes! Ardell Professional Line Double Up Lashes have twice the amount lashes for a more dramatic look. It’s like TWO pair of lashes in one! Double layer style gives you a fuller, thicker look. Reusable and durable, so you get your money’s worth! Each lash strip is knotted and feathered by hand to achieve the highest quality. Achieve the ultimate glamour look with 6 new styles! Ardell Professional Natural Lashes are available in a 4-pack. An incredible value. We’ve also cut the prices on the rest of our lashes by up to 25% and have a larger selection of lash glue, including DUO Brush-On Adhesive, Ardell Lashtite and Lashgrip.”

Norcostco Product

Love and lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at [email protected] or on twitter @maryedithpitts

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Holler Poodles…

With spring upon us, it’s time to start thinking of our homes and gardens. Many of you probably can imagine the glorious commode labode I live in.. It is a beautiful double-wide-triple-high trailer in the sky. But alas, it was in desperate need of a makeover. All those modern finishes and trendy furnishings are just not for me. I’m a traditionalist all the way. I love classic design. Something that has stood the test of time. That’s right, the 70’s. My impotently immensely wealthy sugar daddy gave me an unlimited budget (not to exceed $500) to refit my beautiful casa de Pitts. I had no choice but to contact famed 70’s designer extraordinaire Mike Brady to design a showplace of a motel model home for a triple “ZZZ” list celebrity as myself.

The process has been so frustrating. Gone are the days of going to your local building supply to pick out 70’s inspired amenities. Do you know how hard it is to find wood paneling these days? Do you know how many carpet companies stopped making sculpted avocado green carpet simply because others had “moved” on? Do you know how hard it is to source red and orange melamine countertops? I walk into HomoDepot now and all they have are shiny modern things. It makes me physically so sick I find myself spending more time in the bathroom than shopping for merchandise.

Finally, after hours of renovation, my home is complete. I painted my stainless steel appliances a beautiful harvest gold. I took out all the bright kitchen lights and scaled back to one single incandescent bulb so one could appreciate the subtle accents of crocheted rust colored kitchen towels and knickknacks. I’m especially proud of my silk floral arrangements.

I also developed a new technique for painting carpet to give it the sculptured feel of the 70s. I took all the cat hair from the sofa and mixed it with some litter and custom matched avocado green paint and voila, an exquisite crunchy new look has been achieved. For you girls on a budget, this is definitely worth your time.

Finally, what home would be complete without a victory garden? I’m especially proud of mine. The underpinning of my trailer home is very shady… perfect for growing mushrooms. To the right I have miscellaneous mattresses and box springs which i am composting to enrich the soil. I can tell it is already working because i have a new exotic vine growing from it call “kudzu.” It loves this environment and grows heartily without any effort. If you’d like a clipping, just let me know.  Make your house your home!

Love and lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at [email protected] or on twitter @maryedithpitts

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Holler Poodles!

As this is the political issue for FENUXE Magazine, I feel it is time to officially announce my candidacy for Councilwoman-At-Large in the newly created District 69 of Fulton-DeKalb-Midtown. This position is designed to communicate between these typically LGBTQIRSTUVWXYZ areas so as to streamline processes and eliminate the bureaucracy blah ladened paperwork blah and over-taxed blah constituents, blah blah blah money, blah powerful blah blah budgets, blah poor, blah government blah blah blah to infinity and beyond!

If elected, above all else, I promise NO POLITICAL MUDSLINGING!!

My platform shoes will be multi-layered as one might guess. “The complex multi-talents” and special education I possess uniquely qualify me to run a completely transparent campaign! (Note: Open records requests can only be filed on February 29 at 1:01am) [Legal requirements state I must disclose I am registered with the Fulton County Animal Control Offices and am a carrier of rabies, scabies and habeas lazius. This, however, in no way diminishes my capacity to serve your personal needs.]

Speaking of personal needs, feel free to stop by my campaign offices on the corner of 5th & Cypress street to make a cash donation. I often find myself “clearing my head” wearing especially high heels and disguises so I can obtain unbiased input from community members–if you don’t immediately recognize me, rest assured you can hand a $20 bill over and I’ll get in your car to discuss any concerns you may have. I feel too many elected officials just aren’t ready to be as hands-on as I am nor are they willing to get in there and get messy to get the job done.

Breaking wind alert! It has come to my attention this lady Mary Shirley Norlin I used to work with is campaigning against me and has already started slinging mud. I was just sitting in my scooter at a bar and she just came up to me and threw mud in my face. OH HELLLLL NAWWWWWWW! It’s on now bitch! Now you ain’t heard this from me but this bitch has 2 extra sets of teets and was breast feeding two cats, two dogs and a stray possum on, er, um…….. Oh yeah, sorry, that was me! Well at any rate, I will not stoop to those levels as to call out my opponents no matter how much they talk about me. I am classy… with a K!! Think Kardashian, Kartel, KMart… you get the picture.

So at your next political discussion, please discuss my viability as your candidate for Councilwoman-At-Large. [This message was almost paid for by Mary Edith Pitts.]

Love and lashes, 

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at [email protected] or on twitter @maryedithpitts

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Holler Poodles!

I just want to take a moment to say thank you to all of my friends, family, and fans who came out to support all of the Valentine Day shows at Paris on Ponce. Your support made the event an overwhelming success and I couldn’t be happier with the result. It was so good to work with Alicia Kelly, Raquell Lord, Maya Montana, Mariah Balenciaga, Envy Van Michaels, Angelica D’Paige, Smokin McQueen and Coco Couture. We all had a great time entertaining you! Thanks also to all the people behind the scenes who made the show possible.

Mary Edith Pitts FENUXE Atlanta Gay Drag

And now for my makeup tip/trick sponsored by Atlanta Costume. Every drag queen and glam girl wants and little sparkle in their life and with Ultra Bright Powder, you can have as much or as little as you like. Ultra Bright Powder feels feather light and sparkles like miniature diamonds. Stunning applied dry on bare skin, over makeup, or blended with our Sealers for a durable, high gloss finish.

It is a colorless sparkle powder which can be used on its own or on top of a matte color to give any makeup a highly reflective sparkle. Finer than glitter, but more reflective.  Sticks nicely to the skin, but washes off easier than glitter.

I’ve used this myself and under lights it sparkles like Swarovski crystals. Clint from Atlanta Costume used it when he played Pharaoh in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat last summer. He used it on top of Aztec Gold Lux Powder and says “I looked like a disco ball.”

Every drag queen or club kid should have this in their makeup kit. 

FENUXE Gay Atlanta Make-Up Tip

Love and lashes!

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at [email protected] or on twitter @maryedithpitts

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Holler Poodles!

I just got back from the most spectacular spa/beauty treatment ever as a treat from Fenuxe Magazine. Located in the heart of midtown at Mansley Mall, the new spa designated for the gay community is called Gay Spa Day Spa: Girl, Get Yo Body Did! Featuring half naked menszezes in scantily clad clothing (i.e., jockstraps, thongs, and/or a smile), your happy ending is both guaranteed and assured.

As I entered the building sideways, I was greeted with twinkie Michael who ushered me into a suite complete with every conceivable luxury a drag queen could want. Picture it, Sicily, 19 Aught 2, a beautifully appointed suite with what looked like a water wall feature. Upon closer inspection, the beautiful stone wall with its golden waters splashing down its slate walls seemed oddly familiar–with an acrid aroma and upon inspection, surprisingly warm and welcoming temperature. Michael instructed me it had antiseptic and healing qualities so I quickly dowsed my face in its warmth.

Michael then instructed me to disrobe and since I’m not shy, I started removing my moo moo and peeled my white-ish thong out of its cavernous confines. There I stood nude and vulnerable in front of this twinkie whom I wanted to suck his creamy deliciousness from… but I resisted.

Admittedly, I had let my grooming schedule relax since the onset of the fall and winter months. While I usually kept my carpet trimmed down to a berber or sometimes even a hardwood floor, I was sporting a full on 70′s sculptured shag resembling afro puffs and errant adornments (i.e, lint, and possibly a troll doll). Michael whipped out an industrial hedge trimmer and quickly pruned my bush and shrubs. Ahhhh, relief!!

Next up, he pulled out a belt sander and proceeded to sand my hoofs and nails down to a fine pedicure befitting a queen. Next Michael asked me if I would like any anal bleaching done, and I replied, “Why, what have you heard?” He suggested I might benefit from a thorough Cloroxing so my backdoor can be pink and bright instead of dull and brown. Although it burned like hell, I must admit, I haven’t see it that pink since i was a schoolgirl.

My final treatment was a massage that definitely provided a release. Just not the kind I was expecting. I had gotten so relaxed that I accidentally on purpose let a little gas escape. Michael fell to knees gasping for air and my eyes started to burn and I started to heave so I ran out of the spa down the pathway into the adoring eyes of my fans at LA Fitness. All together they cheered “Looking fabulous Mary Edith.” I knew then I had found my new spa. All in a days work.

Love and lashes,

MEP

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at [email protected] or on twitter @maryedithpitts.

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Holler Poodles!

I hope your New Year is off to a great start! I know some of you have been in the market to buy a new car and as your intrepid reporter willing to go the extra mile to find those hard to find items, I present to you the most interesting new finds.

We’ve talked before how big business is realizing the cash cow (not me) that gay people represent. Now it seems they are marketing cars specifically to its gay clientele. In fact, I was approached to test drive a new car made for the big-hipped drag queen type. FORD and AMC have collaborated on a new model combining the wide bodied (read “big hips”) roominess of the AMC Pacer and rear end safety (read “you touch my back end and I’m gonna let you have it!) of a Ford Pinto . The Ford model PU is designed with safety in mind, automatically detecting when volatile organic compounds are present. Through a sophisticated network of micro tubing, these compounds are filtered away from the passenger compartment and combusted in the tail pipes in a beautiful light show big fart. Sure to be the envy of every drag queen.

After test driving this new car, my breath was taken away when I farted when they offered to let me be the spokesperson for the Ford PU. I was still breathless with acceptance.

A new collaboration between Bose and luxury car makers provides the discerning music lover an experience like no other. As the youth of today are always clamoring for the ultimate immersive sound experience while driving, Bose has introduced “Body Beats” an anally inserted speaker which extends from the drivers seat into the driver. No bluetooth connectivity needed here. This connection is truly immersive in that the driver feels every bass note, every drum beat and every vocal, pounding you to new heights. Bounce with Beyonce, Gag with GaGa and feel Royal with Lorde.

Known for going one step further, they have also collaborated with specifically gay musicians so the internal pounding of music you receive is an authentic immersive experience. Rumors have it Adam Lambert is fully satisfying but leaves a little makeup residue on your seat. The Elton John model is a bit fussy but still provides comfort like a queen. And quite puzzling was the George Michael model which comes with an optional urinal cake. Finally, Clay Aiken was contacted by the manufacturers to see if he could insert anything into the equation but declined.

Love and lashes,
Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at [email protected] or on twitter @maryedithpitts.

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Holler Poodles!

With the new year upon us, resolutions abound. I don’t know about you but I’ve made so many resolutions in the past (and failed miserably) that I’ve decided I’m not making any more regarding my body.

I am continuing with my program sponsored by Fenuxe Magazine which is a comprehensive program providing a nutritionist/trainer and therapist. As of this writing, I’ve lost 45 lbs and 6 inches off my waist. I’ve been consistently losing 1-1.5 lbs. a week and am not in any hurry to lose it any faster. I’m told when you lose it slowly, it doesn’t come back. I have so much more energy but most importantly I feel “centered.”

While I recognize the fact I’ve “done” the work to achieve these results, I could not have gotten this far without my nutritionist and trainer Kayt Wolfe ([email protected]) and my therapist Allison 404.332.8880. If you’re looking to transform your life, I’d recommend these two ladies without reservation. As I’ve said before, all three areas have been critical to my success thus far but if you were to take one away, I don’t think I would be as successful.

I hope whatever your plan for the new year is, it includes taking care of yourself, friends and family. Be safe and have a Happy New Year!

Love and lashes,
Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at [email protected] or on twitter @maryedithpitts

Drag TipDrag TipNorcostco Atlanta Costume Drag Tip:  Aren’t you tired of your lipstick bleeding and not lasting?  I’ve tried out two new products at Norcostco Atlanta Costume which are the “bomb!”  Girls, run into Atlanta Costume and try out Face Atelier’s Lip Putty and Lip Lock. Face Atelier’s Lip Putty is used under your lipstick. Lip Putty fills in those pesky fine lines in and around the lips, eliminating colour bleeding, blurring and blotching. It also moisturizes and hydrates the lips because of its singular combination of essential oils and vitamins.  And it also provides organic ultra-violet protection and is fragrance free.  Lip Lock acts as a sealer that will not change the color of lip product, lengthens lip color wear time, feels weightless on the lips and is synthetic fragrance free and color free.  Girls, you’ll love these products.  Norstco Atlanta Costume is located at 2089 Monroe Drive. 404.874.7511 

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Fall on our knees ladies! The holidays are upon us and I am bloated with acceptance.  With these technomological devices and disdragtions everywhere, it occurs to me y’all might need some advice on navimagating the holiday dating scene.  Listen up girls!  

 

Mary Edith Pitts’ Holiday Dating Do’s and Don’ts

 

1. DO  set up a Grindr, Growlr or Scruff Profile.  If you ain’t a pretty girl, use somebody else’s picture cause everybody needs love. If you ain’t got no iPhone, yo ass is screwed!

 

2. This is a game so never ever show your true feelings!  When you see a guy you like, DO NOT initiate contact.  Stand in a corner all meek and mild–this gives the impression you are shy, pristine and virginal.  If you is too forward, he’ll know you is a slut!  

 

3. When yo man approaches you to speak, remember, you is a lady!  DO let the purse fall out yo mouth and let the sibilant ‘SSSSS’ run free.  He knows you is a lady and likes it!

 

4. DO NOT shower before your date.  That way if things start getting heated, you’ll remember yo ass is stank and is off limits. Remember poodles, it is an outright sin to go butt bumpin on a first date!  “Keep yo legs closed to married men.”

 

5. DO have 1, 2, or 7 drinks before your date cause girl, even I can smell your ass!  If you’re drunk, you won’t care. But Damn!

 

6. When you go on your first holiday date to Cowtippers, Joe’s or Roxx, DO make sure you tell your date you forgot your wallet cause a lady ain’t supposed to pay. Keep drinking cause you know he is starting to make your panties wet!

 

7. When he takes you back to his place, run to the bathroom and DO an emergency cake test.  If your finger comes out clean, wash yo ass with soap and toilet paper.  That way, when he sees the tp residue, he’ll know you washed!  I recommend red and green paper for the holidays.

 

8. After your date is done, DO text AND call him frequently to tell him you loved your holiday date. If he doesn’t return your calls, he’s just playing a game. Show up at his door to let him know you mean business!

 

Love and Lashes,

 

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Holler Poodles

Can you believe Christmas is right around the corner? It seems like only yesterday I was sunning my ample boobs in my micro pink thong at the beach and car wash over there in Midtown. Now it’s gotten so cold my hoo ha has shrunk up inside me like a bear hibernating for the winter. But I must confess the holidays are very romantical (especially when its cold outside). Yes, I’m also one of those geeks who loves Christmas music, the season and oh yeah, the gifts.

Speaking of gifts, FENUXE Magazine once again sent me to the premiere consumer products showcase for the gays to report on the latest gift giving necessities. Located at the Buford Highway Flea Market and Beauty Barn, it was a visual feast to behold. So in the spirit of “Oprah’s Favorite Things,” I present Mary Edith’s Gayest Things.

From the makers of “Sham Wow” and “Snuggie” comes their new product Sham-Moo. Designed to keep you warm and comfortable, Sham-Moo offers style while protecting you from embarrassing spills. With Sham-Moo, 64 oz. soda spills are no problem. Sham-Moo is guaranteed to keep you dry as it absorbs over 2 gallons of warm liquid. sham-moowatersports.com (34.95)

Those familiar with Summer’s Eve are excited about a product generating buzz from their new division called Winter’s Bone. Marketing products designed for the discerning gay man, Menema is the manly enema for the gay man whose sewer is about to be laid with some serious pipe. Formulated with micro anal beads, it is designed to be inserted anally and then shaken vigorously. Included with your kit is a DVD on how to twerk so you get the maximum friction necessary for a good cleaning. With Menema, not only will you smell nice, you’ll look nice with custom formulated blends. “Fem” has just a touch of perfume oil plus added shimmer to make your mussy sparkle. “Manly” has added pheromones and microfibers that resemble hair. Finally, “Piggy” smells like bacon, has a squiggly nozzle and can be filled with latex to later be used as a butt plug. menema.com (6 pk @ 19.99)

From the makers of Rascal Scooters come the latest greatest scooter. You don’t ever have to worry about what’s coming down your chimney this Christmas. With the Pooper Scooter, all your worries are over. After bathing, simply sit on the ergonomically designed butt nozzle and seat and you are hermaphraditcallly sealed in. You can go about your daily business while you do your daily business. rascalscooters.com/pooperscooter ($979 if you mention Mary Edith Pitts).

Love and lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at [email protected] or on twitter @maryedithpitts.

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Holler Poodles,

I’m so excited about this years Pride I can’t stand it. Once again, so many corporate vendors have come out to support the LGBTQIRSTUVWXYZ community it has brought a tear to my eye and gas to my butt! No, seriously. When I think of where we’ve come from, I truly get emotional. As understanding grows that sexuality is no more a choice than hair color, smart businesses have rushed to embrace the diversity that is our community.

My very first Pride many years ago was a very different experience. I’ve watched Pride grow from a perceived “scourge” and inconvenience for straight people, to an event our straight alliances can’t wait to be a part of–inclusive of everyone because they know better.

Yet, within our own community, there is still bickering, dissent, and judgement. And while it would be nice to say I’ve never been a part of it, I know better. While labels like fem, butch, dyke, bull-dyke, daddy, leatherman, transgendered, sissy, girly, masculine, bear, otter, boy, twink etc. are used to describe us, often times those same words are used to demean others within our community.

I still here “straight-acting” gay men speaking in a derogatory way about effeminate “sissy” guys. Just as you may not understand an effeminate guy’s behavior, he may not understand your “straight-acting” behavior. Whether either behavior is “put on” or not is irrelevant. It is what they feel comfortable expressing themselves at that moment and there is nothing wrong with that! There is nothing wrong with trying on different “hats” to express ourselves. I suspect we all wear different hats today than when we were younger. Just because someone wears a different hat doesn’t make it wrong.

Maya Angelou says, “When we know better, we do better!” and I know that our community is only as strong as its weakest link. It is incumbent upon all of us to lift each other up, not tear us down!

Happy Pride everyone! I challenge you to take a moment to acknowledge someone who is different and out of your comfort zone this Pride. You’ll be glad you did!

Love and lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts

I have to give a great big shout out to Rich Vision for outfitting me in the latest greatest spectacles so a big girl can see. Dr. Rich and his team are so professional and courteous and timely. I was in and out in a hurry (No gurrls, not like that!). I can’t believe how much better I can see after a thorough examination and a short turn around time. I can now see every damn pore on my face but I guess that’s a good thing so I can cover it with spackle properly. Folks, you really owe it to yourselves to check them out in the Loehmann’s Shopping Center on North Druid Hills. Support our community and make your appointment now. 404.325.3400

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please email me at [email protected] or twitter @maryedithpitts.

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