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Hey Girl Hey

Hey Girl Hey

Holler Poodles!

 

“Oh the places we will go.” Gay travel destinations abound and as the summer season creeps upon us, I’m sure you’re all working your bodies out hard to get ready to display your various assets. Yummmmmmm! In my youth (19Aught2) I remember the annual pilgrimage to Pensacola where all the gays and grays would convene on the beach.

 

I went there several times over the years with friends who were more concerned with their desire to get drunk and naked (now what’s wrong with that?) than my propensity to burn. While not a bad goal, my alabaster skin did not like the sun penetrating its way through my 50 sunblock, tshirt and a tent. I didn’t understand at the time that even with all those protections, the suns rays bounce off every surface and will burn you to a fried chicken crisp if you aren’t diligent about protecting yourself.  I did enjoy the gasps of the people passing by as I lay in my string bikini with a large crustacean between my legs. Red Lobster anyone?

 

Another time I was performing at a club in Pensacola and will never forget a local girl came in from her day job to get ready for the show. Everyone around was busily doing their makeup and getting ready for the show to start when this unnamed entertainer announced she had to undo her tuck (drag term used to describe the piece of duct tape placed over the penis and pulled back between the legs to hold said penis and balls in place) because she had not removed it all day at work. Ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwww! Needless to say, this story was gonna end in tragedy. The room started to fill up with the smell of ass. And as the smell hit their nostrils, one by one, each entertainer made a hasty retreat to the bar area. I couldn’t figure out why everyone was all of a sudden leaving when DAMMMMNNNNN it hit me like a ton of bricks. When I regained consciousness, I headed for the outside bar area and all the customers were asking what happened. As Wanda Sykes would say… “She sold her ass to the devil!”

 

I haven’t been back to Pensacola since but I’m sure after tearing that bar down and subsequently burning it, Satan crawled back into his hole. But I’m not bitter!! Y’all have safe travels!!!

 

Love and lashes,

 

MEP

 

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at maryedith99@gmail.com or on twitter @maryedithpitts

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Hey Girl Hey

Hey Girl Hey

Holler Poodles!

I’m so glad we’re talking about doctors in this issue of Fenuxe because I’ve really had a hard time with a recent doctors visit. Have you ever noticed how so many doctors have names that sort of relate to their individual specialities? Recently, I had accidentally on purpose tried to squeeze a pimple that had formed on my nipple. When I noticed it became infected because one of my lady hairs was growing out of it, I went to see my dermatologist, Dr. Whitehead, who said he needed to check me all over for other possible skin issues. When he asked me to get in the stirrups, I was just glad my buttplug had fallen out on the bus I had worn panties that day. Anywho, he asked if he could have one of his colleagues look at something on my butt and since I’m not shy, I said “yes”.

A handsome man entered the room and introduced himself as Dr. Mark Pootnstain– colorectal specialist. After a short exam, he said it looked like I had a time-lapsed anus. Now I don’t understand all that fancy doctor talk so I asked him to explain it to me in terms I could understand. He just told me it looked like a moon crater had exploded out of my ass. Damn!! I knew right then that last belly bomb did me in. He said all would be fine and that he would send in his nurse, Ms. Punchhole to administer a shrinking salve into my moon pie butt. Though I was defended, her fist finger gave me some much needed action relief.

After getting my shit together, no pun intended, I was done!!

Love and lashes,
MEP
If you have any feedback, questions or comments, please email me at maryedith99@gmail.com or on twitter @maryedithpitts

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Hey Girl Hey

Hey Girl Hey

Holler Poodles,

As the Academy Awards present their winners for Best Picture, so go the creative minds of our illustrious porn industry into making these beloved movies into high class porn.  After contacting me for ideas, Ladies and Gentlemen, may I present for your perusal my porn parodies…

The Grand Budapest Motel. A seedy retelling our own local watering hole (yes, pee) The Cheshire Motor Inn and all the dirty doings going on.  Think of it as The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas meets Sherlock Holmes. Who left that spot there? Why does my headboard glow in the dark?

The Imitation Game. Finally, finally, Ben-A-Dick Cum-A-Bunch plays porn legend Ron Jeremy spilling a bukakye buffet over 40 year old men imitating 20 year old twinks.  A special screening will be held at BJ Roosters!

Whip-Lashes. An erotic tale of drag and S&M starring Mary Edith Pitts as a young ingenue with particularly long breast eyelashes who wants to explore 50 shades of gay. The climax of the film is breast-taking, literally as her breasts leave her body in an unfortunate masochistic experiment.

Manhood. Already secured for the role, Ellar Coltrane lets us follow him into the porn business over 12 years as he tries every conceivable position and combination possible… on himself!

Love and lashes,

 

MEP

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Holler Poodles!

 This week I was very excited to check out another new and and upcoming spa Fenuxe sent me to in Midtown called the Pampers Day Spa. Located across from Piedmont Park, it is centrally located among the gay mecca that is midtown. I wasn’t quite sure what to think when I walked in but was pleasantly greeted by a cute twink behind the desk named Travis. He got up to give me a hug and it was then I noticed he was wearing a diaper. Oh! Duh!! Pampers Day Spa. I get it! What have I gotten myself into?

 Travis led me back to a changing room with adult sized changing tables and asked me to get undressed. I was more than a little nervous because I had let my Berber carpet grow out like shag for the winter, thus hiding my lady dick in dreadlocks luxurious locks. Travis noticed my dingleberries predicament immediately and ushered me into a shower with a depilatory which effectively clogged washed all my body hair down the drain. I now looked like a cross between the Michelin Tire guy and the Pillsbury dough boy with my light switch turned on. Travis noticed my lady boner and said it was quite normal and don’t be shy. He then laid me on my back and said just relax and let go. I thought he meant pee so I let a stream loose and he screeched “What the hell are you doing?” My stream cut off immediately and my lady parts went back inside my body to finish hibernating for the winter. He then placed me in a diaper and ushered me into the spa room with others in the same attire. Wow, people were just sitting around getting various massages and engaging in casual conversations with the intermittent grunt, frown and facial release. Suddenly, I felt a warmth overcome my body and jolted up.

 I awoke from my drunken stupor nap and realized Fenuxe Magazine had asked me to write about day spas and pampering. Oops. The alcohol must have caused me to have fantasies nightmares. I don’t give a damn apologize if the above content offended you.

Love and lashes,

 MEP

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please email me at maryedith99@gmail.com or on twitter @maryedithpitts

 I’m so happy to recommend Dr. Thomas Sparkman, DDS for all your dental needs. I recently went in for some work and was so pleased by my experience I just had to share it with you. First and foremost, his offices are impeccably clean and use the absolute latest in technology which means everything can be done in the office. His staff are warm and welcoming not to mention he has the best disposition of any doctor I know. More importantly, he gives back to the community on a regular basis and is just a great guy. Please give him a call for your next dental appointment located near Perimeter mall. (770) 396-8061

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

 

Holler Poodles!

Love is in the air and you can just smell it! I was just at the bar and I was groping saw a guy making out with another guy with his hands down his pants. Ewwwww! Do you know how nasty that is? not to wash your hands when the smell hits your nose! People openly gasped gagged! I mean really, people. Have some decorum! Just because you are in love or lust doesn’t mean I want to see you making out in a public space! without mesave that for BJ Roosters or the Eagle.

The idea of public sex really excites appalls my ladyman sensibilities. Although, alledgedly, there was this one time at bandcamp… and I was at a little known bar called Backstreet(s)(k)!! In those days, 19aught2 I was a drag queen named Cherry Pitts who was tall, thin and blonde. Somehow, someway, straight guys loved talking trying to see if they could get some head to me. Anywho, I was with my best friend Kelly and this really hot guy started talking to me and one thing led to another his dick accidentally on purpose fell out of his pants into my hands and he may have spooged into a napkin I previously used to blow my nose. After he got off my number, he scampered off and Kelly and I watched as the bartender grabbed the napkin and squeezed it as he threw it away! Ewwwww. There’s no telling what kind of DNA lurked in that napkin but I think a new strain of bacteria was formed. called streptomucospermocide Kelly and I wrestled with whether we should tell the bartender about the crime scene he had on his hands but we decided the alcohol should kill most of the germs.

Surprisingly, I never heard back from him so I went to a convent and spent a lot of time on my knees praying for for guidance and looking for the men’s room. Then it hit me on the side of my face and I realized that while thrilling, public encounters were just wrong if you get caught!.

You can’t go looking for love in a bathroom stall. Love must find you in a sex club or a chance Grindr meeting.

So I say raise a glass to love and have a shot of penicillan on me. Happy VD poodles.

Love and lashes,

MEP

If you have any feedback comments or questions, please email me at maryedith99@gmail.com. Twitter @maryedithpitts

 

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Holler Poodles!

Return to 3 Flags Over Here (Pt 3).

Surprisingly, Selma hadn’t had enough fun yet so we headed over to the Spindle Top ( the ride that spins you around while the floor drops down. I could only think that a tragedy was about to occur but Selma said it would be fine. As we got into the cylindrical space and lined up against the wall, we both pulled our tube tops tight and mini skirts tighter. Selma was on my right and an older gentleman and his wife were on my left followed by what looked like a gaggle of their grandchildren. Selma and I looked at each other hoping everything would turn out ok.

With a sudden jolt, the ride started slowly spinning to the left and increased speed. It was then I realized this was not going to end well. Now just in case you aren’t familiar with concept of centrifugal force, its basically when things speed up to the point everything is pinned again the outer wall of whatever is spinning. (I should write a drag queen technical manual). So while my legs and hands are pinned against the wall and can’t be moved, all of a sudden, in tandem, my boobs, Selmas teeth and the old man’s teeth next to me start to wiggle out of their confines and into broad daylight. As if someone had choreographed a dance, the teeth, my boobs and the other teeth start to do the conga in a line whilst we were all spinning helplessly and horrified at the display.

Then, with another jolt, the floor falls from under us and the barrell tilts on its side. Selma and I both looked at each other in horror as we realized the centrifugal force was pulling our mini skirts down exposing our hairy mounds to the crowd. I was mostly horrified. This continued on for what felt like hours but must have been just a minute. The ride soon ended and so began Selma’s search for her teeth. Whilst I was attempting to cover up, I realized the old man next to me was gumming my nipple to which his wife said “Henry! How could you?” to which he replied “They were hanging so low, I thought they were yours!” Selma quickly grabbed my hand and rushed me off to tell me she had found a newer, nicer pair of dentures. I was so happy for her.

While our time at 3 Flags Over Here had come to an end, we could only look back fondly at our time. Be sure to check out Three Flags Over Here in downtown Jonesboro and tell them Mary Edith and Selma sent you!

Love and lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at 

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Holler Poodles!

Return to 3 Flags Over Here (Pt 2).

After my dear friend Selma B. Hole was thrown out released from the hospital, it took her a couple of hours days and a case box of wine to recuperate from her injuries. We returned 3 weeks later on a Sunday to continue our review of “3 Flags Over Here” in beautiful downtown Jonesboro.

Naturally, we headed to the buffet first thing because we like to eat. They had some kinda restaurant combo like Waffle House+Huddle House+Out House combined. I’ve never seen food go through people so fast in my life. Because I couldn’t find an empty stall I’m a lady, I held it in. Big Mistake!

Selma wanted to hear the children’s choir singing so she pushed her way through the tens of people crowd to see all the kids dressed in little white robes. It just so happens it was also the entrance to their version of the Sky Coaster called the Rim Shot. Selma begged for us to go on it. It’s that ride that’s like a bungee jump off a 10 story building and hang-gliding all in one.

Needless to say, we were ill prepared looking cute in our white mini skirts and matching tube tops. They hauled us up to the top with a crane while the voices of those little angels on the ground filled the air. The attendant yelled “Pull the tab when you’re ready!” I told Selma I thought I was gonna hurl cause the food wasn’t sitting right and she said she thought she was too. We asked to get down but they said the only way down was to pull the cord. So Selma pulls the cord and I immediately start spewing out my mouth and unbeknownst to me, Selma starts spewing out her rear. All I could see as we made the initial pass over the little angels below was eggs, grits, ham, pancakes, hashbrowns and sausage raining all over the kids below. But as we went backwards, Selma’s duty chute of destruction had managed to dive bomb a few of the kids and knock some of them out cold while the other children ran screaming off.

Later, as we were washing up in the kiddie pool restroom, I could only laugh at the conversation between two ladies outside talking about the new “aerial water feature” she saw from a distance. Said it looked like The Bellagio’s dancing fountains. Selma almost swallowed her teeth.

Next week is the final installment of my review! Until then…

Love and lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at maryedith99@gmail.com or on twitter @maryedithpitts.

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Holler Poodles!
Summer is sizzling and so is my ass in this tiny whiteish thong I’m wearing. FENUXE Magazine recently sent me to check out a new amusement park (I think its a rip off but I’m not sure) called 3 Flags Over Here. Located in beautiful downtown Jonesboro, it offers an affordable alternative to Six Flags along with some interesting variations on some well known rides. This particular day they were celebrating their unofficial “Gay Day” called Hey Girl Hey Day.


Since it was hot as hell, I decided a wet ride would be a great way to start the day. Bad idea! Their version of Thunder River called Storm Sewer was horrific. Now any other day of the week if you told me I would be entering a manhole I would be thrilled. Not today , I got stuck trying to enter so my cousin Selma B. Hole had to jump on my shoulders to get me through. We both fell through and landed on an old tire and proceeded through a tunnel. As we began to emerge from the darkness, a beautiful arc of showers greeted our exit from the abyss. We began to scream as I realized it was a latrine and they were relieving themselves on us. I acted like was disgusted! We moved along to the next tunnel through countless feet inches of muck to come out the next manhole covered in gunk. I was relieved there were people showering as I came to the surface and got under the warm shower only to realize there was only an elephant and no outdoor plumbing.


Next, Selma ushered me off to their version of Monster Plantation called “A Wolf in Sheeps Clothing” which was surprisingly entertaining. Throughout the ride, there were scary wolves everywhere trying to take away the rights of citizens. But as we moved through the scene, we could see the faces of notorious politicians that were the actual wolves and the citizens took back their voice and dethroned them. Woo Hoo! Thrilling!


We then ventured to their version of the Flying Dutchman–the ride that’s like a pirate ship on steroids. Because the seats were so small, Selma sat right behind me so we had room to sprawl. Well, unfortunately for her, with each pendulous sway of the ship, my boobs fell out of my tube top and kept hitting her face. Selma had to be rushed to urgent care because she had two black eyes, several concussions and mouth full of f***ed up teeth which she had before but she’s trying to sue the insurance company so don’t say anything!


We’ll go back another day to finish this story. Until then…


Love and Lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at maryedith99@gmail.com or on twitter @maryedithpitts.

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Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Holler Poodles!

I came across this on a friend’s page yesterday and it was just what I needed in the moment. It caught me so off guard in it’s simplicity but spoke directly to my heart.

“Be brave. Even if you’re not, pretend to be. No one can tell the difference. Don’t allow the phone to interrupt important moments. It’s there for your convenience, not the callers. Don’t be afraid to go out on a limb. That’s where the fruit is. Don’t burn bridges. You’ll be surprised how many times you have to cross the same river. Don’t forget, a person’s greatest emotional need is to feel appreciated. Don’t major in minor things. Don’t say you don’t have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Pasteur, Michaelangelo, Mother Teresa, Helen Keller, Leonardo Da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein. Don’t spread yourself too thin. Learn to say no politely and quickly. Don’t use time or words carelessly. Neither can be retrieved. Don’t waste time grieving over past mistakes Learn from them and move on. Every person needs to have their moment in the sun, when they raise their arms in victory, knowing that on this day, at his hour, they were at their very best. Get your priorities straight. No one ever said on his death bed, ‘Gee, if I’d only spent more time at the office’. Give people a second chance, but not a third. Judge your success by the degree that you’re enjoying peace, health and love. Learn to listen. Opportunity sometimes knocks very softly. Leave everything a little better than you found it. Live your life as an exclamation, not an explanation. Loosen up. Relax. Except for rare life and death matters, nothing is as important as it first seems. Never cut what can be untied. Never overestimate your power to change others. Never underestimate your power to change yourself. Remember that overnight success usually takes about fifteen years. Remember that winners do what losers don’t want to do. Seek opportunity, not security. A boat in harbor is safe, but in time its bottom will rot out. Spend less time worrying who’s right, more time deciding what’s right. Stop blaming others. Take responsibility for every area of your life. Success is getting what you want. Happiness is liking what you get. The importance of winning is not what we get from it, but what we become because of it. When facing a difficult task, act as though it’s impossible to fail.”

— H. Jackson Brown Jr.

Love and Lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at maryedith99@gmail.com or on twitter @maryedithpitts.

Posted in Columns, Hey Girl Hey0 Comments

Hey Girl Hey!

Hey Girl Hey!

Holler Poodles!

I know this will surprise many of my readers but in the interest of doing damage control, I must confess I was recently knocked up. Though I am still unclear on some of the details, it seems I had a very unconventional pregnancy. I was pregnant with two sets of twins at the same time. My doctor said because I was fat of my sheer size I would need to deliver after just 9 weeks. As worried as I was, he assured me it was normal for a bitch girl like me. He said it would be a special “vaganal” birth because he couldn’t tell my vagina apart from my bhole and while I was defended by this remark, I knew it was true.

When I arrived at the animal hospital, I was immediately taken into a special delivery room pool to give birth. The doctor said I was diluted 90 proof and ready for contractions. Who knew I was gonna have to remember English lessons at a time like this? He said it was labor contractions and I replied I am not in a union, therefore, I ain’t signing nothing! He shrugged and said the first litter baby was ready. I was in so much pain but overjoyed too. He said to keep pushing and finally Hemrhoidia was born. Two minutes later his sister Herrhoidia was born. Sounds Greek doesn’t it? Finally, out popped the last two when I was rudely woken up by the Po Po who said I was drunk and disorderly and had publicly pooped on myself in the kiddie pool at the park. Well, no more Goldschlager for me! (Although I thought I saw a glimmer of gold in Hemrhoidia’s eye).

Norcostco Atlanta Costume Tip: Ultimate Drag Makeup Class at Norcostco Atlanta Costume with Professional Makeup Artist Travis Pates. Travis has worked in the Film and TV Industry on such projects as The Hunger Games and the upcoming TV series Constantine. He will share tips and secrets on creating flawless drag makeup, including: contouring, highlighting, concealing, eyebrows, lashes and more! If you are just starting to craft your look or are an experienced performer interested in upping your game, this class is for you! Sunday, July 13, 11am – 3pm. Class fee: $100 a $50 non-refundable deposit reserves your spot. You will receive a makeup kit as part of this class! Call 404-874-7511 to register.

Love and Lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at maryedith99@gmail.com or on twitter @maryedithpitts.

Posted in Columns, Hey Girl Hey0 Comments

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