Posted on 04 August 2014.
By D. David Kinney
After schooling us on “How To Bottom Like A Porn Star” in his previous book, Atlanta author Woody Miller is back to help us put our new skills to the test. You’ve got to attract a great guy for this final exam, and in today’s gadget-friendly dating world that means you’ve got to perfect the art of sexy gay texting.
Yes, texting. Your chances of needing to change the sheets tomorrow can nose-dive into your right hand getting just a little more strength training tonight with just a single text. So Woody created the ultimate guide: “Gay Texting: The Art of Making Guys Obsess Over You!“
Ready to improve your game? Check out this excerpt from the book:
He’s Not That Into You. Oh, Oh. Time For A Charm Offensive.
Congratulations! You got his phone number. But it was…kind of awkward. You talked for a good twenty minutes at the bar/party/social event, but you noticed he wasn’t giving you his full attention. He hesitated when you asked his for his number. You’re a little confused about his response. Yes, he gave you his number but was it less out of desire and more out of a lack of industrial grade pepper spray within easy reach?
You’ve got your work cut out for you, buddy. Not every at-bat is a grand slam—in this case, you took a fastball to the spleen just to get on base. You can’t jump right into being overtly flirty, and for God’s sakes man, you can’t be sexual (yet). So, what do you do? Obey the Eleven Rules Of Texting The Ambivalent.
1. Wait Two Days Before You Text.
Think of testicles: One is too few and three is too many. You don’t want to send a testicle, er, text, to soon because, hello, he’s not that into you. He’s expecting you to text right away because he can sense that you want him more than JFK wanted a car with a roof. Two days is the perfect time to wait—it shows him you have a life and that you too may be ambivalent about him.
2. Do NOT send an open-ended text.
Here’s the very worst one you can send:
“Hey, what’s up?”
You will just get the obvious, socially programmed response of “Not much, how bout you?” This is an interview question, and will bore the hell out of your crush. In fact, you may as well have texted:
“Would you mind coming up with something interesting to say
because I’m so boring the plaster peels off the wall when I talk to it.”
Not only are you announcing that you’ve got the personality of a Kansas zip code, you’re leaving his in the awkward situation of creating the value for a conversation you started. If you start a text thread don’t ask for value; deliver it. Your goal shouldn’t be to start a conversation. It should be to bring a smile to his face. The best way to do that is to learn how to…
The ability to “assume rapport” is one of the most useful social skills you can have. It will literally open doors for you in dating, business and personal relationships. Rapport is an emotional bond based on a shared understanding. The best way to get it is to pretend youʼve got it. Donʼt seek it; assume it.
Rapport seekers fish for a connection by asking yawners like “Whatʼs new?” “What do you do?” and “Where are you from?” If youʼve ever been on the receiving end of those questions from somebody you don’t know–and aren’t sure you want to—it feels as if somebody’s checking your pockets to see if you’ve got change for a dollar. It’s way too invasive. Donʼt do it. Act as if you know him. Talk to him like you used to ditch class together.
People who have genuine rapport donʼt talk in meaningless questions. They talk in statement form or in meaningful questions. Letʼs say youʼre at a grocery store and you spy a hottie:
Asking for rapport: [directly approaching his] “Hi. Iʼm Mike. Whatʼs your name?”
Assuming rapport: [holding the bottle and asking indirectly] “Whatʼs up with 1% milk? Is it really any better than 2%?”
What’s the difference between asking and assuming rapport? Asking for it puts his guard up. Assuming it lowers it. Asking for rapport creates a try-hard energy. Assuming rapport creates camaraderie. How does this translate into texting? Text as if you already know him.
3. Be quirky. Be fun. Be observational.
Remember, the golden rule of getting dates: He Who Makes Him Laugh Makes Him His. Your job is to make him smile, to associate you with good times, a chuckle or a laugh. Which text do you think a guy would rather get:
“Hi, how are you?”
“I just saw a drag queen on a mini-scooter stop at a
red light and fix his make-up.
Can you beat that?”
Which text do you think would make him want to get to know you better?
“Do you think naming two puppies Daft and Punk is a little over the top?”
Asking his opinion is one of the most effective ways of engaging him, especially if you do it with wit. Don’t be afraid to be a little off-the-wall. It sets you apart from the rest of your tired bros. Interest, smiles, and laughter–these are all values you want to bring to the table. Now the truth is there’s nothing wrong with asking him how his day’s going as long as you’ve put the funny in it:
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator….which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How’s YOUR day?
Now THAT’s how you ask a guy about his day! Remember, you can’t overtly flirt with someone who’s hesitant about you, so you have to create value—even in the ways you say hello. You can also do it by engaging their curiosity. You could send a message like:
You: You’ll never guess what happened to me last night!
Why it works: It hints at something funny or adventurous, and who doesn’t want to chuckle or hear something fun? Even better, he’ll think you’re setting it up to say that you met this cool guy (him) last night. So when you throw a curve ball at his expectations he’ll be more intrigued. The challenge with this flirt idea is that you have to deliver on the promise. So get creative. Think of something funny that’s happened to you or just pretend it happened. Here’s an example:
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by
Batman, Beyonce, and Harry Potter. WTF!
4. Reinforce the memory of your interaction—with wit.
Why make something up when you can use something comedians use all the time: A “callback.” For texting purposes, a callback is a reference to something you talked about when you first met. Let’s say you were both bitching about your jobs when you last talked. You could send a callback text like this:
“I swear, my boss is so conceited he takes a bow when he hears thunder!”
“My boss is doing the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly. Hope your day is
“My boss has my hair on fire. You?”
The point is to make every email vibrate with a witty sheen that makes him want to know you better. You can control whether texting breeds contempt or desire. Give him a “Hi, how are you?” and you’ll remind him why he wasn’t excited about giving you his number. Make him smile and he’ll wonder what else there is to you.
5. Keep It Short But Stimulating.
Length and girth wins you points when you’re sexing but not when you’re texting. Long messages telegraph neediness and worse, they tend to come off as overly serious. You can send longer messages once you get to know him, but initial messages should always be short.
“Oh you went to college out West, so did I. What school?”
“Oh you went to college out West, so did I. What school? What about your major? Did you pledge a fraternity? I dated a couple fraternity guys in college. Not at the same time though, I’m not like that…not that that’s bad if you are. The more the merrier I guess…so what school?”
Length isn’t just the enemy of humor; it’s also a flirt-killer because it communicates neediness. As in, you’re so lonely and bored that you’ve just spent 15 minutes composing a text and you expect him to do the same.
If you’re writing more than a couple of sentences you’re writing too much. In fact, after sentence #3 you’re in danger of having a restraining order taken out against you. And just so we’re clear, a restraining order is NOT proof he loves you.
6. Never Use All Caps.
IT MEANS YOU’RE YELLING. There’s no such thing as a “flirt yell.” It’s oxymoronic. But mostly, moronic.
7. Use Proper Grammar.
Once, a friend showed me a text from a guy he was mildly interested in. The asked my friend to have “brekfiss” with him and that was the end of that. My friend figured he was so stupid he’d starve if he ever got locked in a grocery store. He showed me the rest of his texts and I couldn’t tell if the guy was just using abbreviations or whether he was an illiterate who kuldnt spill.
If you send his something filled with misspellings, he may think one (or both) of the following: you don’t care enough about him to spend 5 seconds giving your text a once-over and/or you don’t have the mental capacity to use proper grammar. Either way you’re back to scoring mildly retarded guys.
Proper grammar is a turn-on to the intelligent, but that doesn’t mean you have to go all Shakespeare on his ass. If you overdo it on the thesaurus, you cross the line from intelligent to pompous and unapproachable.
“Didh yu half a goood weak?
To the other:
“Pray tell me my little lass, I trust you have had a most favorable week now have we?”
Hit somewhere in the middle ground and you’re golden.
8. Don’t Get Friend Zoned.
There’s a difference between a possible love interest and a possible friend who just happens to be bored. Make sure it’s clear to his you are the former, not the latter.
Toss in the occasional compliment about his appearance, even if you only met for 5 minutes that first time when you got his number. Say he mentions something about going to the gym later. Drop something into the text thread like this:
“It must be hard getting a full workout in when guys are always hitting on you.”
Flatter him without creeping him out. Drop subtle comments without seeming pervy—it will let him know you’re looking for a romantic connection—not a stand-in friend when you need a date to a wedding.
9. Don’t Over-Emoticon.
So much of courting and flirtation is about setting the proper tone, and there is no form of communication that lends itself to greater miscommunication than texting. One solution to this problem is using Emoticons.
The Big Dog app in the Emoticon universe by far is Emoji. It offers thousands of Emoticons for any number of situations, and is available across all smartphone operating systems. Download it. Know it. Use it.
But don’t overuse it.
There is nothing more annoying than the every-text-deserves-an-Emoticon guy. Or the multiple-Emoticons-per-text guy. Take the following examples. Say you’ve decided to sign off for the night. Do this:
“Glad we got to connect again. ;)”
“Glad we got to connect again. :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)”
That’s like ending your first conversation by blasting “Walking On Sunshine” on a loudspeaker and doing somersaults across the street. The lesson? Don’t blow your Emoticon load.
Be aware of the right Emoticons for the situation.
Him: My dog just died today.
You: I’m so sorry.
Really? You might as well have given him a high-five when he told you Benji bit the bucket. Know your tone.
10. Don’t Send A Second Text If You Haven’t Gotten A Response From The First.
Silence is a response. It means, I’m too busy to respond or I’m not sure I want to respond or I’m thinking about how to respond. Don’t ever be tempted to write something like:
“I’ve had trouble with my signal today and so I just thought I’d send this again since you haven’t replied to the first one.”
I’ve had friends show me guys who text three or four times in a row trying to get a response. Trust me, they’re not picturing themselves making out with these guys. They’re picturing the judge signing the restraining order. The truth is sometimes men have a legitimate reason for waiting a long time to answer—either because of circumstances (stuck in a meeting, a movie, a dinner) or they’re just in a bad mood and they don’t want to take it out on text. Sometimes they purposefully make you wait (because they know it’ll make you wonder and increase your interest). But the sad reality, and the one you have to assume because it’s the likeliest scenario, is that he’s not responding quickly because he’s just not that into you.
Don’t rush his response. There is a remote chance that he didn’t get your text or accidentally deleted it. Did I mention “remote?” Because I meant REMOTE. If you’re convinced that he didn’t get it (we’re all convinced. No, really.), then wait a few days before sending another.
And do NOT reference the text he didn’t respond to. Texting something like, “Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while” isn’t going to cut it. First, you’ve just laid a guilt trip on him. Great. You’ve given him yet another reason not to text back. Try sending him an “Unclogger” text that can snap his attention right back to you.
You: We have something in common.
Who doesn’t want to know the answer to this? The challenge is in finding out what you have in common from earlier conversations. Share the same politics? Say this:
“We both can’t wait for Sara Palin’s book to come out in English.”
Want more texting advice? Check out Woody Miller’s book, “The Guide To Gay Texting: The Art Of Making Guys Obsess Over You.”