Archive | Urban Culture

Inaugural Krog Masquerade Goes Underground

Inaugural Krog Masquerade Goes Underground

By Dustin Shrader

Looks like Halloween will not be the only opportunity to wear a mask this fall. On Saturday October 25th, Atlanta’s iconic Krog Street Tunnel will be undergoing quite the transformation. A modern, European-style masquerade ball complete with live entertainment, street performers, DJ Salah, food, and music is shaping up to be a deliciously, sinful time!

According to the press release, “This event will “push the envelope” as guests are immersed in an unforgettable evening of cocktails, sounds by premiere Atlanta DJ Salah, and transformative vignettes behind a red velvet curtain. Brief tableaus of body art, burlesque and peep show performances will stimulate the imagination.”

The press release also advises that “taboo” will be the norm for the night. Masks, an open-mind and adventurous spirit are prerequisites to garner entrance.

Count us in!

If a night of dancing with mysterious strangers in a tight enclosure basked with erotic thrill sounds like a mind-blowing time, then the Krog Masquerade is right up your alley.

The festivities begin at 8 p.m. with pumpkin time commencing at 1 a.m. General admission tickets are $50, which grant entrance to the ball. $100 VIP tickets include five complimentary drink tickets and bites courtesy of 97 Estoria, exclusive interactive live entertainment, access to the VIP tent and more.

For more information and ticket purchase, visit The event is presented by the Atlanta Foundation for Public Spaces and Sean O’Keefe Events.

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Listen up y’all… Mary J. Blige is back! FINALLY!

Listen up y’all… Mary J. Blige is back! FINALLY!

By Keoki/BLENDERtunes

We’ve been anxiously waiting for the Queen of Hip Hop Soul to bring us another killer album. It’s been too long since her last album My Life II… The Journey Continues (Act 1) came out back in 2011 (we wont count the awful Think Like A Man Too soundtrack that she somehow got involved with). That soundtrack was almost as bad as the horribly Photoshopped movie poster (just Google image search Think Like A Man Too Soundtrack).

Anyways, Mary has been quietly working on her latest album The London Sessions over across the pond and has teamed up with some amazing London talent. Sam Smith, Emeli Sande, and Naughty Boy have all helped Mary J. with her latest musical journey. She just released her newest single “Right Now” off of the album and has enlisted the help of English electronic music duo Disclosure. Now you might not recognize the name Disclosure but if you listened to the radio in the past couple of months, you will undoubtedly have heard one of their songs – their biggest hit in the states is “Latch” featuring Sam Smith. The song is a glorious meeting of two titans in the music biz. Mary’s vocals beautiful lace the synth heavy track and brings a fullness to the song. If this collaboration is any indication of the way the album is heading, it’s going to be one of the best albums of the year – you can quote me on that!

Have a listen to the track below and let us know what you think. The London Sessions drops December 2.

you’re welcome.

This content is exclusively provided by Keoki from for FENUXE Magazine.

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Calvin Harris IS To “Blame” For His New Song

Calvin Harris IS To “Blame” For His New Song

By Keoki/BLENDERtunes

After teasing the world for the past few months that his new collaboration with John Newman would be coming out soon, Calvin Harris has FINALLY released his song to the masses – and this is where I fall asleep. This is where a lot of people will fall asleep.

Now before you go get your pitchforks and torches and condemn me for not loving a Calvin Harris song, know that I absolutely love Calvin Harris! He’s extremely talented, has a HUGE track record of putting out quality music, and always works with other great artist like John Newman. You might not recognize the name John Newman but you’ll know exactly who he is after listening to the song – his voice is very unique. John also had a hit last year with “Love Me Again” and since then, I’ve become a fan! So when I read that he and Calvin Harris were working together on a new track, I couldn’t wait! I dreamt of a synth heavy track laid over by some smooth vocals and a killer drop! I guess I put the idea of them working together up on a pedestal – a Calvin Harris/John Newman Greek goddess pedestal.

Little snippets of the song “Blame” have been teased to us through Calvin’s Instagram account for the past few weeks and to be honest, I liked the teases more than the entire song. And no, I’m not a tease – despite what my ex’s might say. The song just doesn’t really go anywhere and is kind of Snoresville. There’s no real buildup. The drop sounds a bit awkward. And it sounds a bit too much like his other song “I Need Your Love” which isn’t a bad thing but it’s not necessarily a good thing.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure this is going to be a hit in the clubs. I’m sure all the boys and girls will be dancing their skinny jean asses off when this song comes on. I will not be one of them – mainly because I don’t own skinny jeans.

What do you think? Is the song a hit or miss?

you’re welcome.

This content is exclusively provided by Keoki from for FENUXE Magazine.

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Afro-Caribbean Spirit Guide

Afro-Caribbean Spirit Guide

By Dino Thompson-Sarmiento and Dean Boswell

If you had asked me a month ago to explain to you the religion of Santeria, I would have answered you with the same blank stare that I suspect the majority of Americans would give you today in response to the same question. Even those who take the time to research the origins of this Afro-Caribbean religion are likely to misinterpret the mainstream information that can be found online or in books. One of the elements of the religion that is frequently overlooked is the incredible enlightenment that can be attained through a Santeria life reading. My own experience with Atlanta Spiritualist, Ariel Luz, was not only eerily accurate, but left me wanting to know more.

I entered the reading room with some trepidation, but was quickly comforted by the seemingly “normal” surroundings. Quick online research had left me with several misconceptions about what I should expect. Instead of a sacrificial altar and tribal costumes, I was met with a very comfortable space containing only some furniture, a few sacred artifacts, and a handful of cowrie shells. Ariel instructed me to clear my mind of everything and relax as he prepared to conduct my reading.

Now, I have on occasion visited psychics, Tarot readers, palm readers…you name it. I rather expected this to be a very similar experience. The shells were tossed in front of me, and I sat waiting for the fun to begin. What followed was beyond anything I could have imagined. Ariel immediately started to recount events from my past that he certainly could not have known about. He knew the nickname I have for my partner – one that no one else, not even family and close friends know about. He knew of a woman from my past who had recently entered my thoughts. She was a business contact that I had been meaning to try and locate, but was unsure where she may be. As sure as I’m writing this down, the man handed me her name and number on a piece of paper and said, “You need to call this woman.” I sat there in disbelief. This just went on and on.

He then proceeded to tell me about things going on in my life now and about decisions I’d been in the process of making, even as I drove to see him that very day. He was again unnervingly accurate in the precise detail with which he read to me my current life. From there, he gave me advice for finding the path I am meant to be on in the future and informed me of the things soon to come. After hearing everything he had to say, I had to sit there for a few moments and just be thankful that I had learned of and found my own personal guide.

I have no doubt that many of you will want to find out for yourself just how enlightening these readings are. To schedule your own life reading, email or call (Ariel Luz, [email protected], 678-339-1780). He lives in Atlanta with his life partner. Tell him Dino sent you…although, I’m sure he’ll already know.


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Happy Humpday From BLENDERtunes!

Happy Humpday From BLENDERtunes!

By Keoki/BLENDERtunes

Happy Humpday Fenuxe Folk!

Of course by now, you’ve already heard Sam Smith’s amazing cover of Whitney Houston’s “How Will I Know” and you most likely already played that song to death. I don’t blame you… that cover is amaHzing. Sam Smith is amaHzing. So what now? How will you get your Sam Smith fix? Play his CD “In The Lonely Hour” again? No… you don’t have any tears left to cry – besides, you don’t have any more Kleenex either (from unrelated reasons).

Well fear not boys and girls, Sam Smith has done it once again and it is equally just as great as his last cover. This time Sam puts his “oh-so-smooth” touch to the 1988 hit “Fast Car” by Tracy Chapman. Yes it was 1988 and yes you are getting old.

Sam’s voice is amazing. It always gets me emotional. His voice is just that good… and this song is so sad. Ugh… I promised myself I wouldn’t cry. Where are my Kleenex?! Oh.


This content is exclusively provided by Keoki from for FENUXE Magazine – you’re welcome!

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Atlanta Black Gay Pride Guide

Atlanta Black Gay Pride Guide

When a small group of friends got together over Labor Day weekend in 1996, they had no idea that their picnic would eventually grow into the world’s largest Black Gay Pride festival. The friends were celebrating their unique experience as members of Atlanta’s gay community and that spirit continues to this day at Atlanta Black Gay Pride.

This year the week-long festival is bigger than ever and is bringing together scores of different groups including community organizations, local government, nightlife promoters and area businesses. With so many groups represented the festival has something for everyone. From concerts and a film festival to the famous Labor Day Rock parties, it’s going to be an incredibly fun week in Atlanta.

To help you plan the perfect Atlanta Black Gay Pride we’ve assembled a schedule of the great things taking place. Some of the planned events cater specifically to men or women. We’ve indicated this next to these events so that you can easily plan your nightlife. Additionally, some details are subject to change. So, visit for the latest information.

Happy Black Gay Pride Atlanta!

Tuesday, August 26:

“Community In Faith”
7:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m.
First Metropolitan Community Church

Wednesday, August 27:

“Business Responds to AIDS”
5:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m.
CDC Atlanta

2014 Atlanta Black Gay Pride “KICKOFF”
9:00 p.m. – 1:00 a.m.
Metropolitan Skating Rink

Thursday, August 28:

“Welcome To Pride 2014” Meet & Greet
4:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m.
Livingston Bar at the Georgian Terrace

Flawless Friday – Guys Event
9:30 p.m. – 4:00 a.m.

Rockstars Production & G613 Atlanta Black Pride Kickoff – Guys Event
10:00 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
Club Krave

“The Annual Strip Her 2014”
10:00 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
My Sister’s Room

Sexy in the City – Guys Event
10:00 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
Georgian Terrace Rooftop

Friday, August 29:

Pride Events At The Georgian Terrace:

10:00 a.m. – 9:00 p.m. “Vending with Pride”
10:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m. “Do I Feel as Good as I Look”
10:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. Pride Fitness – Zuma
11:00 a.m. – 12:00 p.m. Wells Fargo Bank
12:30 p.m. – 1:30 p.m. Recovery Consultants of Atlanta
1:00 p.m. – 2:00 p.m. “Financial” with SunTrust Bank
1:30 p.m. – 2:30 p.m. Fulton County Health Department
2:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m. “What’s the T” Transgender Summit
2:00 p.m. – 3:00 p.m. National Black Justice Coalition
2:30 p.m. – 3:30 p.m. New York Life Insurance
3:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m. AARP
4:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m. Sponsor Panel Discussion – Traxx Girls
5:00 p.m. – 7:00 p.m. “Welcome to Pride 2014” Meet & Greet
6:00 p.m. – 10:00 p.m. Comedy Show
11:00 p.m. – 2:00 a.m. Speakfire: “Studs & Stilettos”

Friday Bock Party – Guys Event
9:00 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
656 Sports Bar & Grill

Special Pride Tribute Party – Guys Event
9:30 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
Club Rain

“The Annual Grown Folks Takeover Event 2014” – Ladies Event
10:00 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
My Sister’s Room

“Annual MEGA Friday Night Live Ladies Lounge” – Ladies Event
10:00 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
Compound ATL

Annual Block Party – Ladies Event
10:00 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
Museum Bar

Saturday, August 30:

Pride Events At The Georgian Terrace:

9:00 a.m. – 10:00 a.m. “Team Building”
10:00 a.m. – 11:30 a.m. “Effective Leadership”
10:00 a.m. – 9:00 p.m. “Vending with Pride”
10:00 a.m. – 4:00 p.m. “Health & Life Expo”
10:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m. “Americans and HIV” – Gilead Sciences Luncheon
10:00 a.m. – 11:30 a.m. “Effective Leadership”
11:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m. “Literary Cafe”
11:30 a.m. – 1:00 p.m. “Love and Dating”
12:00 p.m. – 1:00 p.m. Independent Adoption Center
1:00 p.m. – 2:30 p.m. “Leaving a Legacy”
2:00 p.m. – 4:00 p.m. “The Fight For Supremacy”
3:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m. “Real Talk” – Center for Black Equity
3:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m. “Movies with Pride” Film Festival

4th Annual LGBT Greek Meet & Greet Brunch
12:00 p.m. – 4:00 p.m.
Phillip Rush Center

“Boxers, Bras & Briefs” Pool Party & Fashion Show
4:00 p.m. – 10:00 p.m.
The Atrium in Stone Mountain, GA

Wine and a Movie
11:00 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
Landmark Midtown Art Cinema

Atlanta WETher! Celebrity Block Party – Ladies Event
3:00 p.m. – 8:30 p.m.
Club Opera

Saturday Wet & Wild Pool Party – Guys Event
4:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m.
Holiday Inn Airport North

Mansion Pool & Day Party – Guys Event
4:00 p.m. – 9:00 p.m.
3425 Cascade Road SW

Traxx Girls’ “Big Band Event” – Ladies Event
10:00 p.m. – 5:00 a.m.
Georgia Freight Depot

Saturday Night Live Hosted By Tamar Braxton – Guys Event
9:30 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
Obsessions in Decatur

8th Annual Fire & Desire Mini-Ball Deluxe
10:00 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
253 Night Club

The 5000 Men Mega Party – Guys Event
10:00 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
Club 730 (The Quad)

Sunday, August 31:

Jazz Brunch & Poetry Slam
11:00 a.m. – 2:00 p.m.
Piedmont Ballroom at the Georgian Terrace

“House of Soul”
12:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m.
Poolside Pavilion at Piedmont Park

Pure Heat Community Festival
12:00 p.m. – 8:00 p.m.
Piedmont Park

Sunday with Paula Campbell – Guys Event
9:30 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
Vita Buckhead

Labor Day Rock Main Event – Guys Event
9:30 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
Club Opera

“Celebrity Showtime Sundays”
10:00 p.m. – 5:00 a.m.
Mansion Elan

Kris Kelli Warrior – Guys Event
10:00 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
Jungle Nightclub

Monday, September 1:

Booze Cruise
1:00 p.m. – 5:00 p.m.
Party Bus Departs Host Hotel At Noon

“Thank You” White Party
10:00 p.m. – 3:00 a.m.
Club Krave

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J.Lo and Iggy Azalea Are Butt Buddies

J.Lo and Iggy Azalea Are Butt Buddies


So I’m definitely a butt man. I can’t help it. Like Lady Gaga said, it’s pretty much in my DNA. My theme song in life is “Baby Got Back” and even more recently “Anaconda.” So when I saw that Jennifer Lopez was releasing a track called “Booty,” I went cray. When I saw that Iggy Azalea was on the remix version of the track, I couldn’t even function (insert Janis Ian gif here).

Now the two are apparently Booty BFFs and have already worked on tracks for each other. The first released collabo from the duo is Jennifer Lopez’s “Booty” and to be perfectly honest… it’s a HOT mess! I had such high hopes for the track but the song is just as boring and limp as J.Lo’s vocals. Considering that Jennifer’s album is the worst selling of her career, adding Iggy Azalea to the track might actually breathe some new life into the “failed” album. The only real good part about the song is when the femcee steps in and adds her touch of booty magic:

“The last time the world seen a booty this good, it was on Jenny from the block.” #killsit

What do you think of the ladies’ track? Is it full-on club banger? Or is it as flat as Miley Cyrus’ ass? (Points to me for not using the word “bootylicious” at all)

This content is exclusively provided by for FENUXE Magazine – You’re welcome!

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Ascension Party Returns To Fire Island

Ascension Party Returns To Fire Island

Ascension Party, the summer’s wildest weekend festival of music, dance and friendship takes place August 15-17 in the all-gay oasis of Fire Island Pines.  It’s back for its ninth steamy summer of fun. Thousands of men from around the globe will flock to the sun drenched beaches for the three-day round-the-clock party that begins Friday night with the Ascension Underwear Party at Sip ‘N Twirl, headlined by DJ Grind. The fun continues Saturday at 6pm with the Ascension Tea Dance at Bay Walk featuring DJ Ralphie Rosario at the turntables, followed by Ascension Afterdark at Sip ‘N Twirl
with DJ Theresa.  The main event, the Ascension Beach Party on the Fire Island Pines beach, takes place Sunday at 12pm with superstar DJ Paulo.  Tickets available now at Tagg NYC (720 9th Ave, New York) and online at


In 2006, Eric von Kuersteiner had a vision to create a fun daytime party for the new generation of Fire Island.  Since then, Ascension has grown into the island’s most anticipated and busiest weekend, with three days of stellar events, thousands of cute guys and unsurpassed entertainment—all raising money for charity, benefiting the Fund in the Sun Foundation.

Since its inception eight years ago, the foundation’s directors – Hal Rubenstein, David Nickle and Eric von Kuersteiner – have raised more than $4 million for the protection of the environment and infrastructure of Fire Island Pines, while also donating grants to worthy LGBT charitable organizations. This year’s beneficiaries include the Hetrick-Martin Institute and the Harvey Milk High School; Live Out Loud; Friends In Deed, which provides support services for those with HIV/AIDS; One Heartland, which affords summer camping programs for GLBTQA kids; Standing Tall, which helps wheelchair-bound kids and the National Gay and Lesbian Task Force.

“The event raises money for some great causes but it’s also an explosive party featuring premiere talent and over-the-top production,” says von Kuersteiner. Previous Ascension entertainers include Kelly Rowland and Dragonette, as well as Erika Jayne, Kristine W, Neon Hitch and Crystal Waters.  “Our team scours the US and abroad, attending all the major gay parties to scout the newest and hottest talent.”  Sean Patrick Ryan produces the spectacular parties.


“We offer incredible music, hot boys in sexy swimwear and the stunning backdrop of sunshine over the Atlantic Ocean,”  von Kuersteiner concludes, “We assure you, you won’t be disappointed.”

Ascension Party kicks off on Fire Island Pines: Friday, August 15 through Sunday, August 17, 2014 on Fire Island. Visit for ticket information.

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How To Make Guys Obsess Over You

How To Make Guys Obsess Over You

By D. David Kinney 

After schooling us on “How To Bottom Like A Porn Star” in his previous book, Atlanta author Woody Miller is back to help us put our new skills to the test. You’ve got to attract a great guy for this final exam, and in today’s gadget-friendly dating world that means you’ve got to perfect the art of sexy gay texting.

Yes, texting. Your chances of needing to change the sheets tomorrow can nose-dive into your right hand getting just a little more strength training tonight with just a single text. So Woody created the ultimate guide: “Gay Texting: The Art of Making Guys Obsess Over You!

Ready to improve your game? Check out this excerpt from the book:

Chapter Three
He’s Not That Into You. Oh, Oh. Time For A Charm Offensive.

Congratulations! You got his phone number. But it was…kind of awkward. You talked for a good twenty minutes at the bar/party/social event, but you noticed he wasn’t giving you his full attention. He hesitated when you asked his for his number. You’re a little confused about his response. Yes, he gave you his number but was it less out of desire and more out of a lack of industrial grade pepper spray within easy reach?

You’ve got your work cut out for you, buddy. Not every at-bat is a grand slam—in this case, you took a fastball to the spleen just to get on base. You can’t jump right into being overtly flirty, and for God’s sakes man, you can’t be sexual (yet). So, what do you do? Obey the Eleven Rules Of Texting The Ambivalent.

1. Wait Two Days Before You Text.
Think of testicles: One is too few and three is too many. You don’t want to send a testicle, er, text, to soon because, hello, he’s not that into you. He’s expecting you to text right away because he can sense that you want him more than JFK wanted a car with a roof. Two days is the perfect time to wait—it shows him you have a life and that you too may be ambivalent about him.

2. Do NOT send an open-ended text.

Here’s the very worst one you can send:

“Hey, what’s up?”

You will just get the obvious, socially programmed response of “Not much, how bout you?” This is an interview question, and will bore the hell out of your crush. In fact, you may as well have texted:

“Would you mind coming up with something interesting to say 
because I’m so boring the plaster peels off the wall when I talk to it.”

Not only are you announcing that you’ve got the personality of a Kansas zip code, you’re leaving his in the awkward situation of creating the value for a conversation you started. If you start a text thread don’t ask for value; deliver it. Your goal shouldn’t be to start a conversation. It should be to bring a smile to his face. The best way to do that is to learn how to…

Assume Rapport.

The ability to “assume rapport” is one of the most useful social skills you can have. It will literally open doors for you in dating, business and personal relationships. Rapport is an emotional bond based on a shared understanding. The best way to get it is to pretend youʼve got it. Donʼt seek it; assume it.

Rapport seekers fish for a connection by asking yawners like “Whatʼs new?” “What do you do?” and “Where are you from?” If youʼve ever been on the receiving end of those questions from somebody you don’t know–and aren’t sure you want to—it feels as if somebody’s checking your pockets to see if you’ve got change for a dollar. It’s way too invasive. Donʼt do it. Act as if you know him. Talk to him like you used to ditch class together.

People who have genuine rapport donʼt talk in meaningless questions. They talk in statement form or in meaningful questions. Letʼs say youʼre at a grocery store and you spy a hottie:

           Asking for rapport: [directly approaching his] “Hi. Iʼm Mike. Whatʼs your name?”

           Assuming rapport: [holding the bottle and asking indirectly] “Whatʼs up with 1% milk? Is it really any better than 2%?”

What’s the difference between asking and assuming rapport? Asking for it puts his guard up. Assuming it lowers it. Asking for rapport creates a try-hard energy. Assuming rapport creates camaraderie. How does this translate into texting? Text as if you already know him.

3. Be quirky. Be fun. Be observational.
Remember, the golden rule of getting dates: He Who Makes Him Laugh Makes Him His. Your job is to make him smile, to associate you with good times, a chuckle or a laugh. Which text do you think a guy would rather get:

“Hi, how are you?”


“I just saw a drag queen on a mini-scooter stop at a
 red light and fix his make-up.

Can you beat that?”

Which text do you think would make him want to get to know you better?



“Do you think naming two puppies Daft and Punk is a little over the top?”

Asking his opinion is one of the most effective ways of engaging him, especially if you do it with wit. Don’t be afraid to be a little off-the-wall. It sets you apart from the rest of your tired bros. Interest, smiles, and laughter–these are all values you want to bring to the table. Now the truth is there’s nothing wrong with asking him how his day’s going as long as you’ve put the funny in it:

My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator….which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How’s YOUR day?

Now THAT’s how you ask a guy about his day! Remember, you can’t overtly flirt with someone who’s hesitant about you, so you have to create value—even in the ways you say hello. You can also do it by engaging their curiosity. You could send a message like:

You: You’ll never guess what happened to me last night!

Why it works: It hints at something funny or adventurous, and who doesn’t want to chuckle or hear something fun? Even better, he’ll think you’re setting it up to say that you met this cool guy (him) last night. So when you throw a curve ball at his expectations he’ll be more intrigued. The challenge with this flirt idea is that you have to deliver on the promise. So get creative. Think of something funny that’s happened to you or just pretend it happened. Here’s an example:

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by
Batman, Beyonce, and Harry Potter. WTF!

4. Reinforce the memory of your interaction—with wit.
Why make something up when you can use something comedians use all the time: A “callback.” For texting purposes, a callback is a reference to something you talked about when you first met. Let’s say you were both bitching about your jobs when you last talked. You could send a callback text like this:

“I swear, my boss is so conceited he takes a bow when he hears thunder!”


“My boss is doing the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly. Hope your day is
going better.”


“My boss has my hair on fire. You?”

The point is to make every email vibrate with a witty sheen that makes him want to know you better. You can control whether texting breeds contempt or desire. Give him a “Hi, how are you?” and you’ll remind him why he wasn’t excited about giving you his number. Make him smile and he’ll wonder what else there is to you.

5. Keep It Short But Stimulating.
Length and girth wins you points when you’re sexing but not when you’re texting. Long messages telegraph neediness and worse, they tend to come off as overly serious. You can send longer messages once you get to know him, but initial messages should always be short.

Do this:

“Oh you went to college out West, so did I. What school?”

Not this:

“Oh you went to college out West, so did I. What school? What about your major? Did you pledge a fraternity? I dated a couple fraternity guys in college. Not at the same time though, I’m not like that…not that that’s bad if you are. The more the merrier I guess…so what school?”

Length isn’t just the enemy of humor; it’s also a flirt-killer because it communicates neediness. As in, you’re so lonely and bored that you’ve just spent 15 minutes composing a text and you expect him to do the same.

If you’re writing more than a couple of sentences you’re writing too much. In fact, after sentence #3 you’re in danger of having a restraining order taken out against you. And just so we’re clear, a restraining order is NOT proof he loves you.

6. Never Use All Caps.
IT MEANS YOU’RE YELLING. There’s no such thing as a “flirt yell.” It’s oxymoronic. But mostly, moronic.

7. Use Proper Grammar.

Once, a friend showed me a text from a guy he was mildly interested in. The asked my friend to have “brekfiss” with him and that was the end of that. My friend figured he was so stupid he’d starve if he ever got locked in a grocery store. He showed me the rest of his texts and I couldn’t tell if the guy was just using abbreviations or whether he was an illiterate who kuldnt spill.

If you send his something filled with misspellings, he may think one (or both) of the following: you don’t care enough about him to spend 5 seconds giving your text a once-over and/or you don’t have the mental capacity to use proper grammar. Either way you’re back to scoring mildly retarded guys.

Proper grammar is a turn-on to the intelligent, but that doesn’t mean you have to go all Shakespeare on his ass. If you overdo it on the thesaurus, you cross the line from intelligent to pompous and unapproachable.

One extreme:

“Didh yu half a goood weak?

To the other:

“Pray tell me my little lass, I trust you have had a most favorable week now have we?”

Hit somewhere in the middle ground and you’re golden.

8. Don’t Get Friend Zoned.
There’s a difference between a possible love interest and a possible friend who just happens to be bored. Make sure it’s clear to his you are the former, not the latter.

Toss in the occasional compliment about his appearance, even if you only met for 5 minutes that first time when you got his number. Say he mentions something about going to the gym later. Drop something into the text thread like this:

“It must be hard getting a full workout in when guys are always hitting on you.”

Flatter him without creeping him out. Drop subtle comments without seeming pervy—it will let him know you’re looking for a romantic connection—not a stand-in friend when you need a date to a wedding.

9. Don’t Over-Emoticon.
So much of courting and flirtation is about setting the proper tone, and there is no form of communication that lends itself to greater miscommunication than texting. One solution to this problem is using Emoticons.

The Big Dog app in the Emoticon universe by far is Emoji. It offers thousands of Emoticons for any number of situations, and is available across all smartphone operating systems. Download it. Know it. Use it.

But don’t overuse it.

There is nothing more annoying than the every-text-deserves-an-Emoticon guy. Or the multiple-Emoticons-per-text guy. Take the following examples. Say you’ve decided to sign off for the night. Do this:

“Glad we got to connect again. ;)”

Not this:

“Glad we got to connect again. :):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)”

That’s like ending your first conversation by blasting “Walking On Sunshine” on a loudspeaker and doing somersaults across the street. The lesson? Don’t blow your Emoticon load.

Be aware of the right Emoticons for the situation.

Him: My dog just died today.
You: I’m so sorry. ;)

Really? You might as well have given him a high-five when he told you Benji bit the bucket. Know your tone.

10. Don’t Send A Second Text If You Haven’t Gotten A Response From The First.
Silence is a response. It means, I’m too busy to respond or I’m not sure I want to respond or I’m thinking about how to respond. Don’t ever be tempted to write something like:

“I’ve had trouble with my signal today and so I just thought I’d send this again since you haven’t replied to the first one.”

I’ve had friends show me guys who text three or four times in a row trying to get a response. Trust me, they’re not picturing themselves making out with these guys. They’re picturing the judge signing the restraining order. The truth is sometimes men have a legitimate reason for waiting a long time to answer—either because of circumstances (stuck in a meeting, a movie, a dinner) or they’re just in a bad mood and they don’t want to take it out on text. Sometimes they purposefully make you wait (because they know it’ll make you wonder and increase your interest). But the sad reality, and the one you have to assume because it’s the likeliest scenario, is that he’s not responding quickly because he’s just not that into you.

Don’t rush his response. There is a remote chance that he didn’t get your text or accidentally deleted it. Did I mention “remote?” Because I meant REMOTE. If you’re convinced that he didn’t get it (we’re all convinced. No, really.), then wait a few days before sending another.

And do NOT reference the text he didn’t respond to. Texting something like, “Hey, haven’t heard from you in a while” isn’t going to cut it. First, you’ve just laid a guilt trip on him. Great. You’ve given him yet another reason not to text back. Try sending him an “Unclogger” text that can snap his attention right back to you.

You: We have something in common.

Who doesn’t want to know the answer to this? The challenge is in finding out what you have in common from earlier conversations. Share the same politics? Say this:

“We both can’t wait for Sara Palin’s book to come out in English.”

Want more texting advice? Check out Woody Miller’s book, “The Guide To Gay Texting: The Art Of Making Guys Obsess Over You.”

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