I Will Survive; A Gay Anthem
By: Dino Thompson-Sarmiento
YOU KNOW IT’S happened to you – you are at the gym on an off night, your usual work out pals aren’t with you and you find yourself surrounded by all the straight boys, so you “butch” it up (after all you are the only one whose gym shorts match your sneakers, iphone case & water bottle).
From the speakers “Dirt Road Anthem” by Jason Aldean is filling the room. You hustle to finish your routine so you can get to Joe’s on Juniper’s Trivia night when to your surprise your hips are sashaying wildly, you’ve thrown your arms up in the air and have cat walked around the gym twice before you realized what you are doing – and then you hear it – the music has changed – it’s your anthem screaming from the speakers
YES! It’s Gloria Gaynor belting out “I Will Survive”! This epic song will forever live in our hearts as it reflects to so many of us our struggles to survive – through sexuality, alcoholism, drugs, AIDS, relationships, acceptance, love, sexual abuse, success, aging, eating disorders, depression and so on…the following interview takes us through 30 years of survival within the lives of two beautiful men and what they have experienced together.
Celebrated artist, Steve Bogdanoff & his partner of 30 years, Sotheby’s realtor, Arthur (Art) Stern share their personal struggles and long lived relationship in hopes of helping and assuring folks that it does get better. They survived and so will you.
This lasting romance began in West Hollywood in 1981 with Steve, a cute 21 year old Jewish boy dancing a top a speaker in swim trunks at the “Mother Lode” club and Art, a tall, handsome 23 year old wasp from outside Boston.
Tell me about the early 80’s and what it was like to deal with what was first known as GRIDS (Gay Related Immune Deficiency Syndrome) later AIDS (Acquired Immune Deficiency Syndrome) How did this contribute to your relationship?
Art: It was new; we didn’t know what it was exactly. My friend who took me to the club where I met Steve contracted it and passed. Many folks died, we were scared – we both believed in monogamy but we had a sexual life before we met and we learned of the incubation period, so for a time we lived in fear. We were lucky, we were ok. Our relationship wasn’t changed by AIDS but we did actively begin to support the AIDS walk (thinking it would be a couple of years while the cure was found) and here we are decades later still supporting this important cause.
Share with us your battle with alcohol & drugs
Steve: I experimented with drugs but it was alcohol that I loved. It started at the age of 5 when my biological father would give me beer before he would molest me. I grew up in an abusive home. Later on in my teens, I would find ways of getting the alcohol even if I had to steal it. I knew well before I met Art that I had a problem and I then started needing alcohol to be comfortable in the gay environment as well.
How did you deal with the abuse?
Steve:Alcohol was my best friend but I also went through a period of hurting myself. I would tighten belts around me until the point of extreme pain; I developed the eating disorder anorexia, but it was alcohol that would numb the pain.
Art did you realize what was happening?
Art: I guess I didn’t want to see it, I didn’t recognize what was happening. I grew up in a happy home. It was the typical “Leave it to Beaver” family.
I thought we were having fun when we drank. What opened my eyes were the black outs. Within the first 2-3 years it became chronic. We moved from Southern California to New Orleans and things got worse.
Steve: I literally would disappear for hours and had no idea where I had been. I ended up in the emergency room once with a broken tail bone. I even had a DUI in Laguna Beach once but that didn’t stop me from drinking.
What finally was the breaking point?
Steve: I rescued an abused dog from a crack house. I named him “Crackers”. (Laughter) realizing that being in and out of black outs wasn’t the best scene for this animal I had just rescued. I attended my first AA meeting. I was sober for about 30 days and I conveniently convinced myself I wasn’t one of “them”. The drinking got so intense after I quit AA that I wanted to die, I was suicidal. I then got help and on September 2, 1994 I began my life. My best life.
How did you stay sober in New Orleans of all places?
Steve: It wasn’t easy at first. I recall a bar not too far from where we lived in the French Quarter that would take your “chips” from the AA meetings and cash them in for free drinks. However, every morning when opening up my art gallery I would see all those lost souls walking around in an alcohol infused daze from the night before and I didn’t want to be that person anymore. I finally recognized that alcoholism is a progressive disease; I needed it every day. I chose a better life for me. I could never go back. “You can’t turn a pickle back into a cucumber” (Laughter).
Then you faced yet another challenge called “Katrina”, tell me about that.
Art: We had been in New Orleans 12 years and nothing had ever happened in relation to hurricanes. They always seem to veer off. The day before Katrina, I remember Steve wanting to stay. I felt like we needed to evacuate. The deal was if Mayor Nagin advised for evacuation and the category was upgraded to a 5, we would leave. Both factors came into play and we drove to a place south of Memphis.
Steve: After the devastation we realized we couldn’t go back. Arts family home was empty in Marblehead, Mass. We ended living there for 9 1/2 weeks. I suffered severe post traumatic stress disorder from being forced from my home (my safe place) it triggered childhood traumas. I eventually headed to New Orleans desperate to see how our home and art gallery had faired and to save my $7000.00 sub zero refrigerator. I purchased a gas mask and trekked into the devastation. My home and gallery were fine. I did save the sub zero fridge despite the coffin-flies and rotting food. The smell in New Orleans was strange. The scene was surreal as military were everywhere, thousands of lives and homes destroyed, chaos was the theme.
Steve, you are an internationally recognized artist because of your fresco secco-style artworks, your most notable print entitled “Vive la Nouvelle-Orléans” became a symbol for the strength and resiliency of New Orleans after Hurricane Katrina destroyed much of the city, and a portion of the proceeds from the sale helped raise funds to re-build the Louisiana SPCA which was severely damaged by the storm. Tell me where folks can find your unique artwork.
Steve: Most of my art is found in private collections around the world but I do have a website at www.bogdanoff.com. My gallery is no longer in New Orleans as we now live in Santa Fe, New Mexico, considered one of the leading cities in the art world, and one of the least for natural disasters.
Finally, Steve and Art what would you like to share with our readers regarding surviving being gay, surviving life.
Art: Get out of where you are if it’s harmful or negative. Go where you can find love and affirmation. We survived all of our trials because we loved each other. As time goes on it does get better. We respected each other, gave each other space to grow, make mistakes and heal. We never settled but found comfort. Remember to keep open lines of communication.
Steve: I echo Art’s words. By comfort we mean it is safe, it is positive, it is home.
I also would like to share that I believe in marriage and equality for all. No one should be left to feel like a second class citizen. It does get better and one day the LGBT community will enjoy full rights.
30 years later and these men have not only succeeded in sustaining a beautiful, healthy romance with each other, but have learned to love themselves despite their many trials. No matter what challenges you face you must continue to forge forward. I thank the many folks who are sharing their personal stories so that others can find hope and not only survive but live.
