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Hey Girl Hey!


Holler Poodles!

Return to 3 Flags Over Here (Pt 3).

Surprisingly, Selma hadn’t had enough fun yet so we headed over to the Spindle Top ( the ride that spins you around while the floor drops down. I could only think that a tragedy was about to occur but Selma said it would be fine. As we got into the cylindrical space and lined up against the wall, we both pulled our tube tops tight and mini skirts tighter. Selma was on my right and an older gentleman and his wife were on my left followed by what looked like a gaggle of their grandchildren. Selma and I looked at each other hoping everything would turn out ok.

With a sudden jolt, the ride started slowly spinning to the left and increased speed. It was then I realized this was not going to end well. Now just in case you aren’t familiar with concept of centrifugal force, its basically when things speed up to the point everything is pinned again the outer wall of whatever is spinning. (I should write a drag queen technical manual). So while my legs and hands are pinned against the wall and can’t be moved, all of a sudden, in tandem, my boobs, Selmas teeth and the old man’s teeth next to me start to wiggle out of their confines and into broad daylight. As if someone had choreographed a dance, the teeth, my boobs and the other teeth start to do the conga in a line whilst we were all spinning helplessly and horrified at the display.

Then, with another jolt, the floor falls from under us and the barrell tilts on its side. Selma and I both looked at each other in horror as we realized the centrifugal force was pulling our mini skirts down exposing our hairy mounds to the crowd. I was mostly horrified. This continued on for what felt like hours but must have been just a minute. The ride soon ended and so began Selma’s search for her teeth. Whilst I was attempting to cover up, I realized the old man next to me was gumming my nipple to which his wife said “Henry! How could you?” to which he replied “They were hanging so low, I thought they were yours!” Selma quickly grabbed my hand and rushed me off to tell me she had found a newer, nicer pair of dentures. I was so happy for her.

While our time at 3 Flags Over Here had come to an end, we could only look back fondly at our time. Be sure to check out Three Flags Over Here in downtown Jonesboro and tell them Mary Edith and Selma sent you!

Love and lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at 

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Hey Girl Hey!


Holler Poodles!

Return to 3 Flags Over Here (Pt 2).

After my dear friend Selma B. Hole was thrown out released from the hospital, it took her a couple of hours days and a case box of wine to recuperate from her injuries. We returned 3 weeks later on a Sunday to continue our review of “3 Flags Over Here” in beautiful downtown Jonesboro.

Naturally, we headed to the buffet first thing because we like to eat. They had some kinda restaurant combo like Waffle House+Huddle House+Out House combined. I’ve never seen food go through people so fast in my life. Because I couldn’t find an empty stall I’m a lady, I held it in. Big Mistake!

Selma wanted to hear the children’s choir singing so she pushed her way through the tens of people crowd to see all the kids dressed in little white robes. It just so happens it was also the entrance to their version of the Sky Coaster called the Rim Shot. Selma begged for us to go on it. It’s that ride that’s like a bungee jump off a 10 story building and hang-gliding all in one.

Needless to say, we were ill prepared looking cute in our white mini skirts and matching tube tops. They hauled us up to the top with a crane while the voices of those little angels on the ground filled the air. The attendant yelled “Pull the tab when you’re ready!” I told Selma I thought I was gonna hurl cause the food wasn’t sitting right and she said she thought she was too. We asked to get down but they said the only way down was to pull the cord. So Selma pulls the cord and I immediately start spewing out my mouth and unbeknownst to me, Selma starts spewing out her rear. All I could see as we made the initial pass over the little angels below was eggs, grits, ham, pancakes, hashbrowns and sausage raining all over the kids below. But as we went backwards, Selma’s duty chute of destruction had managed to dive bomb a few of the kids and knock some of them out cold while the other children ran screaming off.

Later, as we were washing up in the kiddie pool restroom, I could only laugh at the conversation between two ladies outside talking about the new “aerial water feature” she saw from a distance. Said it looked like The Bellagio’s dancing fountains. Selma almost swallowed her teeth.

Next week is the final installment of my review! Until then…

Love and lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts

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Hey Girl Hey!


Holler Poodles!
Summer is sizzling and so is my ass in this tiny whiteish thong I’m wearing. FENUXE Magazine recently sent me to check out a new amusement park (I think its a rip off but I’m not sure) called 3 Flags Over Here. Located in beautiful downtown Jonesboro, it offers an affordable alternative to Six Flags along with some interesting variations on some well known rides. This particular day they were celebrating their unofficial “Gay Day” called Hey Girl Hey Day.


Since it was hot as hell, I decided a wet ride would be a great way to start the day. Bad idea! Their version of Thunder River called Storm Sewer was horrific. Now any other day of the week if you told me I would be entering a manhole I would be thrilled. Not today , I got stuck trying to enter so my cousin Selma B. Hole had to jump on my shoulders to get me through. We both fell through and landed on an old tire and proceeded through a tunnel. As we began to emerge from the darkness, a beautiful arc of showers greeted our exit from the abyss. We began to scream as I realized it was a latrine and they were relieving themselves on us. I acted like was disgusted! We moved along to the next tunnel through countless feet inches of muck to come out the next manhole covered in gunk. I was relieved there were people showering as I came to the surface and got under the warm shower only to realize there was only an elephant and no outdoor plumbing.


Next, Selma ushered me off to their version of Monster Plantation called “A Wolf in Sheeps Clothing” which was surprisingly entertaining. Throughout the ride, there were scary wolves everywhere trying to take away the rights of citizens. But as we moved through the scene, we could see the faces of notorious politicians that were the actual wolves and the citizens took back their voice and dethroned them. Woo Hoo! Thrilling!


We then ventured to their version of the Flying Dutchman–the ride that’s like a pirate ship on steroids. Because the seats were so small, Selma sat right behind me so we had room to sprawl. Well, unfortunately for her, with each pendulous sway of the ship, my boobs fell out of my tube top and kept hitting her face. Selma had to be rushed to urgent care because she had two black eyes, several concussions and mouth full of f***ed up teeth which she had before but she’s trying to sue the insurance company so don’t say anything!


We’ll go back another day to finish this story. Until then…


Love and Lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts

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Hey Girl Hey!


Holler Poodles!

I know this will surprise many of my readers but in the interest of doing damage control, I must confess I was recently knocked up. Though I am still unclear on some of the details, it seems I had a very unconventional pregnancy. I was pregnant with two sets of twins at the same time. My doctor said because I was fat of my sheer size I would need to deliver after just 9 weeks. As worried as I was, he assured me it was normal for a bitch girl like me. He said it would be a special “vaganal” birth because he couldn’t tell my vagina apart from my bhole and while I was defended by this remark, I knew it was true.

When I arrived at the animal hospital, I was immediately taken into a special delivery room pool to give birth. The doctor said I was diluted 90 proof and ready for contractions. Who knew I was gonna have to remember English lessons at a time like this? He said it was labor contractions and I replied I am not in a union, therefore, I ain’t signing nothing! He shrugged and said the first litter baby was ready. I was in so much pain but overjoyed too. He said to keep pushing and finally Hemrhoidia was born. Two minutes later his sister Herrhoidia was born. Sounds Greek doesn’t it? Finally, out popped the last two when I was rudely woken up by the Po Po who said I was drunk and disorderly and had publicly pooped on myself in the kiddie pool at the park. Well, no more Goldschlager for me! (Although I thought I saw a glimmer of gold in Hemrhoidia’s eye).

Norcostco Atlanta Costume Tip: Ultimate Drag Makeup Class at Norcostco Atlanta Costume with Professional Makeup Artist Travis Pates. Travis has worked in the Film and TV Industry on such projects as The Hunger Games and the upcoming TV series Constantine. He will share tips and secrets on creating flawless drag makeup, including: contouring, highlighting, concealing, eyebrows, lashes and more! If you are just starting to craft your look or are an experienced performer interested in upping your game, this class is for you! Sunday, July 13, 11am – 3pm. Class fee: $100 a $50 non-refundable deposit reserves your spot. You will receive a makeup kit as part of this class! Call 404-874-7511 to register.

Love and Lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at [email protected] or on twitter @maryedithpitts.

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Hey Girl Hey!


Holler Poodles!

I want to give a great big shout out to all the folks at Roy’s Hideway for such an awesome Memorial Day Weekend. If you haven’t checked it out before, you must!! The people are so nice and the pool and clubhouse are lots of fun! They have rv sites, tent sites, bunk houses and a great kitchen open on the weekends. Tell them Mary Edith Pitts sent you and they’ll charge you an extra $5.00. LOL


Squirrel! I don’t know if I’ve ever written a movie review but I’ve just seen two movies that moved me in vastly different ways. I guess I need to start a gay rating system. How about something like this? HeY is a 1 and HeYYYYY is a 5 and the best. Holllerrrr!


“The Normal Heart” by Larry Kramer and directed by Ryan Murphy is an unflinching look at the beginning of the AIDS crisis in all of its horror, tragedy and outrage. Mark Ruffalo and Matt Bomer give heart breaking award winning performances that left me literally weeping. I encourage everyone to see this movie–especially our young gay people because it is our history. It reminds me of the quote “Those who ignore history are destined to repeat it.”


Mary Edith Pitts gives it a HeYYYYY!


Last night I saw Maleficent with Angelina Jolie and was blown away in the most surprising way. Because of the poor critical reviews I had read on Flixster, I decided I would probably wait to see it but my friend insisted. I don’t want to spoil it for you but you MUST see this movie. Think Wicked! Told from a different point of view, it is exceptional in every way! It reminds me not to judge someone based on what I’ve read or heard from others.


Angelina’s performance is subtle at times and can blow you away with just a look. The costumes are sumptuous as are the sets, lighting and makeup. Oh, did I mention makeup? Having worked in film I have to say this was exquisite. The prosthetics are imperceptible. But when all is said and done, the story is what will get you. It is told beautifully and will hopefully challenge you in a different way!


Mary Edith Pitts gives it a HeYYYYY!


Let me know what you think about these and if there are other movies that are a must see!


Love and lashes,


Mary Edith Pitts


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Hey Girl Hey!


Holler Poodles!

Condragulations to all the Fenuxe 50 recipients!! This year, Tyler and his team have put me in charge of the ‘Swag Bag’ and celebration rewarding your accomplishments. Your swag bag includes a day of booty beauty provided by moi with happy endings if you’re cute. I have searched the flea markets high and low for the most unusual gifts such as exotic massage oils including nut oils, WD-40, crude and nut milk (extracted from albino baboons). You’ll also smell ripe for the occasion with my new fragrance f’Art de toilette which has an earthy, robust smell.

As part of your winnings, each of you have won limousine service from your front door to the nearest transportation hub. (Since I only have access to one 20 year old limousine, this may take awhile but please be patient–the experience is worth it.) I have equipped the limousine with the cheapest best tasting off brand liquor as well as rent boys constituents from my home office on Cypress Street. Your 5 minute ride culminates at the Marta Station from which point we will trek to the Olive Garden down in Jonesboro for a dining experience like no other. (All You Can Eat Soup & Salad Bar & Breadsticks not included) Entertainment will be provided by unruly children and the Hartsfield Latoya Jackson International Show-In-Out Choir on the Rock.  I can already feel the tears forming!

Seriously, Congratulations to all the Fenuxe 50 winners. Thank you for all you do to support our community!

Drag Tip Sponsored by Norcostco Atlanta: Skin Prep Pro is a must have for summers in HOTlanta. It increases the wearability of makeup under high-performance conditions. SKIN Prep PRO is a clear, fragrance-free liquid for use on all skin types prior to makeup application. It will allow makeup to remain longer lasting under stressful performance conditions and boost your confidence during an active night at work or play. SKIN Prep PRO acts as a moisture barrier between your skin and the makeup you wear giving you a longer lasting fresh look under the most extreme conditions. It’s an antiperspirant for your face! Just sponge lightly on your skin and allow to dry thoroughly before applying makeup.

Love and lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts
If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at

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Hey Girl Hey!


Holler Poodles…

With spring upon us, it’s time to start thinking of our homes and gardens. Many of you probably can imagine the glorious commode labode I live in.. It is a beautiful double-wide-triple-high trailer in the sky. But alas, it was in desperate need of a makeover. All those modern finishes and trendy furnishings are just not for me. I’m a traditionalist all the way. I love classic design. Something that has stood the test of time. That’s right, the 70’s. My impotently immensely wealthy sugar daddy gave me an unlimited budget (not to exceed $500) to refit my beautiful casa de Pitts. I had no choice but to contact famed 70’s designer extraordinaire Mike Brady to design a showplace of a motel model home for a triple “ZZZ” list celebrity as myself.

The process has been so frustrating. Gone are the days of going to your local building supply to pick out 70’s inspired amenities. Do you know how hard it is to find wood paneling these days? Do you know how many carpet companies stopped making sculpted avocado green carpet simply because others had “moved” on? Do you know how hard it is to source red and orange melamine countertops? I walk into HomoDepot now and all they have are shiny modern things. It makes me physically so sick I find myself spending more time in the bathroom than shopping for merchandise.

Finally, after hours of renovation, my home is complete. I painted my stainless steel appliances a beautiful harvest gold. I took out all the bright kitchen lights and scaled back to one single incandescent bulb so one could appreciate the subtle accents of crocheted rust colored kitchen towels and knickknacks. I’m especially proud of my silk floral arrangements.

I also developed a new technique for painting carpet to give it the sculptured feel of the 70s. I took all the cat hair from the sofa and mixed it with some litter and custom matched avocado green paint and voila, an exquisite crunchy new look has been achieved. For you girls on a budget, this is definitely worth your time.

Finally, what home would be complete without a victory garden? I’m especially proud of mine. The underpinning of my trailer home is very shady… perfect for growing mushrooms. To the right I have miscellaneous mattresses and box springs which i am composting to enrich the soil. I can tell it is already working because i have a new exotic vine growing from it call “kudzu.” It loves this environment and grows heartily without any effort. If you’d like a clipping, just let me know.  Make your house your home!

Love and lashes,

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at [email protected] or on twitter @maryedithpitts

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Hey Girl Hey!


Holler Poodles!

As this is the political issue for FENUXE Magazine, I feel it is time to officially announce my candidacy for Councilwoman-At-Large in the newly created District 69 of Fulton-DeKalb-Midtown. This position is designed to communicate between these typically LGBTQIRSTUVWXYZ areas so as to streamline processes and eliminate the bureaucracy blah ladened paperwork blah and over-taxed blah constituents, blah blah blah money, blah powerful blah blah budgets, blah poor, blah government blah blah blah to infinity and beyond!

If elected, above all else, I promise NO POLITICAL MUDSLINGING!!

My platform shoes will be multi-layered as one might guess. “The complex multi-talents” and special education I possess uniquely qualify me to run a completely transparent campaign! (Note: Open records requests can only be filed on February 29 at 1:01am) [Legal requirements state I must disclose I am registered with the Fulton County Animal Control Offices and am a carrier of rabies, scabies and habeas lazius. This, however, in no way diminishes my capacity to serve your personal needs.]

Speaking of personal needs, feel free to stop by my campaign offices on the corner of 5th & Cypress street to make a cash donation. I often find myself “clearing my head” wearing especially high heels and disguises so I can obtain unbiased input from community members–if you don’t immediately recognize me, rest assured you can hand a $20 bill over and I’ll get in your car to discuss any concerns you may have. I feel too many elected officials just aren’t ready to be as hands-on as I am nor are they willing to get in there and get messy to get the job done.

Breaking wind alert! It has come to my attention this lady Mary Shirley Norlin I used to work with is campaigning against me and has already started slinging mud. I was just sitting in my scooter at a bar and she just came up to me and threw mud in my face. OH HELLLLL NAWWWWWWW! It’s on now bitch! Now you ain’t heard this from me but this bitch has 2 extra sets of teets and was breast feeding two cats, two dogs and a stray possum on, er, um…….. Oh yeah, sorry, that was me! Well at any rate, I will not stoop to those levels as to call out my opponents no matter how much they talk about me. I am classy… with a K!! Think Kardashian, Kartel, KMart… you get the picture.

So at your next political discussion, please discuss my viability as your candidate for Councilwoman-At-Large. [This message was almost paid for by Mary Edith Pitts.]

Love and lashes, 

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at [email protected] or on twitter @maryedithpitts

Posted in Hey Girl HeyComments (0)

Hey Girl Hey!


Holler Poodles!

I just want to take a moment to say thank you to all of my friends, family, and fans who came out to support all of the Valentine Day shows at Paris on Ponce. Your support made the event an overwhelming success and I couldn’t be happier with the result. It was so good to work with Alicia Kelly, Raquell Lord, Maya Montana, Mariah Balenciaga, Envy Van Michaels, Angelica D’Paige, Smokin McQueen and Coco Couture. We all had a great time entertaining you! Thanks also to all the people behind the scenes who made the show possible.

Mary Edith Pitts FENUXE Atlanta Gay Drag

And now for my makeup tip/trick sponsored by Atlanta Costume. Every drag queen and glam girl wants and little sparkle in their life and with Ultra Bright Powder, you can have as much or as little as you like. Ultra Bright Powder feels feather light and sparkles like miniature diamonds. Stunning applied dry on bare skin, over makeup, or blended with our Sealers for a durable, high gloss finish.

It is a colorless sparkle powder which can be used on its own or on top of a matte color to give any makeup a highly reflective sparkle. Finer than glitter, but more reflective.  Sticks nicely to the skin, but washes off easier than glitter.

I’ve used this myself and under lights it sparkles like Swarovski crystals. Clint from Atlanta Costume used it when he played Pharaoh in Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat last summer. He used it on top of Aztec Gold Lux Powder and says “I looked like a disco ball.”

Every drag queen or club kid should have this in their makeup kit. 

FENUXE Gay Atlanta Make-Up Tip

Love and lashes!

Mary Edith Pitts

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at [email protected] or on twitter @maryedithpitts

Posted in Columns, Hey Girl Hey, OpinionComments (0)

Hey Girl Hey!


Holler Poodles!

I just got back from the most spectacular spa/beauty treatment ever as a treat from Fenuxe Magazine. Located in the heart of midtown at Mansley Mall, the new spa designated for the gay community is called Gay Spa Day Spa: Girl, Get Yo Body Did! Featuring half naked menszezes in scantily clad clothing (i.e., jockstraps, thongs, and/or a smile), your happy ending is both guaranteed and assured.

As I entered the building sideways, I was greeted with twinkie Michael who ushered me into a suite complete with every conceivable luxury a drag queen could want. Picture it, Sicily, 19 Aught 2, a beautifully appointed suite with what looked like a water wall feature. Upon closer inspection, the beautiful stone wall with its golden waters splashing down its slate walls seemed oddly familiar–with an acrid aroma and upon inspection, surprisingly warm and welcoming temperature. Michael instructed me it had antiseptic and healing qualities so I quickly dowsed my face in its warmth.

Michael then instructed me to disrobe and since I’m not shy, I started removing my moo moo and peeled my white-ish thong out of its cavernous confines. There I stood nude and vulnerable in front of this twinkie whom I wanted to suck his creamy deliciousness from… but I resisted.

Admittedly, I had let my grooming schedule relax since the onset of the fall and winter months. While I usually kept my carpet trimmed down to a berber or sometimes even a hardwood floor, I was sporting a full on 70’s sculptured shag resembling afro puffs and errant adornments (i.e, lint, and possibly a troll doll). Michael whipped out an industrial hedge trimmer and quickly pruned my bush and shrubs. Ahhhh, relief!!

Next up, he pulled out a belt sander and proceeded to sand my hoofs and nails down to a fine pedicure befitting a queen. Next Michael asked me if I would like any anal bleaching done, and I replied, “Why, what have you heard?” He suggested I might benefit from a thorough Cloroxing so my backdoor can be pink and bright instead of dull and brown. Although it burned like hell, I must admit, I haven’t see it that pink since i was a schoolgirl.

My final treatment was a massage that definitely provided a release. Just not the kind I was expecting. I had gotten so relaxed that I accidentally on purpose let a little gas escape. Michael fell to knees gasping for air and my eyes started to burn and I started to heave so I ran out of the spa down the pathway into the adoring eyes of my fans at LA Fitness. All together they cheered “Looking fabulous Mary Edith.” I knew then I had found my new spa. All in a days work.

Love and lashes,

MEP

If you have any questions, comments or feedback, please contact me at [email protected] or on twitter @maryedithpitts.

Posted in Columns, Hey Girl Hey, OpinionComments (0)

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